


Sorrow

by Injeolmi_hyuck



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Confused Huang Ren Jun, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, High School Students NCT Dream, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Minor Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le, Sad Huang Ren Jun, after being best friends in the past, best friend chen le, but eventually make up, idk how to tag, it's basically just renmin falling in love, jaemin fucked up, side chensung, side markhyuck, soft, they avoid each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-06-03 13:44:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19465213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Injeolmi_hyuck/pseuds/Injeolmi_hyuck
Summary: Renjun thought he was gone for good, but Na Jaemin returned to his high school and all the memories of what happened a year ago too. Both of them trying to deal with the past and their very competitive school, don't know yet what an emotional rollercoaster they're in for.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please keep in mind that English isn’t my first language and there might be some grammar mistakes or unnatural sentences.
> 
> The star ( * ) marks POV-switches, but I always made sure that it's clear which POV we're reading from.
> 
> (I kind of don't want to post it anymore because I feel like my writing has improved a bit since working on this, but I wrote this for people to read, so here it is, hope you enjoy!)

„Have you heard the news?“ 

„The thing about Jaemin?“ 

„I still can’t believe it…“ 

„So what’s going to happen with Renjun?“ 

„I don’t know but he has to talk about it now.“ 

„Do you think we’re finally getting some answers?“ 

„We’ll see, I guess.“ 

***

Renjun tried his best to just ignore the stares of the other students. He quickly made his way to his locker, where his best friend was already waiting for him. 

"Good morning Chenle,” he greeted the blond boy without looking at him and just opened his locker instead. 

"Don't good morning me, we both know what's going on." 

Renjun sighed, grabbing his biology textbook and stuffing it into his bag, "I don't know what you're talking about." 

Chenle hit his arm. 

"Hey, what was that for!? I'm your hyung!" he shouted but his younger friend simply shrugged. 

"Don't act like you haven't heard about it. We both know you don't want to admit it, but you spend quite a lot of time on social media." 

The older boy rolled his eyes but turned around anyway to finally face him. "Fine. I don't know what to tell you tho, It's not like we're friends or anything." 

"Hyung, you said you two never really talked about what happened. Maybe now you can-" 

"No, stop it!" he cut him off, shutting his locker maybe a bit more aggressive than necessary. "I'm not gonna talk to him, I don't want all of this drama again. He should've just stayed away..." 

And with that, he turned around to walk to his first class, leaving Chenle standing in the hallway. 

***

Jaemin took one last breath before opening the gates and entering (hell) his old school. 

He was expecting that people would come up to him and ask him about what happened, but certainly not a group of other students literally throwing themselves at him as soon as he walked through the door. 

"Oh my god, Jaemin!" 

"It's really him!" 

"He came back!" 

He hid the discomfort he felt from being in this situation and how overwhelmed he was behind a big smile. Only his best friends could've seen through it... 

...or Renjun. 

Jaemin wanted nothing more than to just ignore this whole thing, but he knew he had to deal with it sooner or later... later sounded better, he thought. 

He had been frying his brain over what he should do. Should he just walk up to him or wait until he comes to Jaemin? He doubted that would happen though, he was probably still very... 

Actually, he didn't know what he was. Disappointed? Angry? Upset? Probably all of the above. 

He knew him better than anyone else but yet he struggled to predict his reaction. 

Honestly, he didn't even want to find out. He wanted to turn back around, walk out of this building and never think about this whole thing again. But he couldn't do that. His mom gave him one year. Now he had to go through it. 

After all, it was his own fault that Renjun hated him. 

***

Renjun avoided everything and everyone all day long. 

As soon as the bell rang, he bolted out of the room and hid in the bathroom until his next class started. 

Yes, he was being this extreme. 

He just really didn't want to talk about it. 

Unfortunately, he couldn't skip his singing lesson right after lunch break, which usually included a small audience. Or in Renjun's mind: a group of potential confrontation. 

He didn't have a problem with those girls listening to him practice and occasionally recording him to post it on twitter anymore. At first, he was really uncomfortable but Jaemin helped him to get used to their sudden popularity among the other students. 

Renjun wanted to punch himself because he made his own heartache again. Even one year later, he couldn't stop his brain from automatically thinking of the other boy, he just meant too much to him to forget him that easily. 

"Renjun, are you ready?" 

The brown-haired boy was pulled out of his thoughts by his teachers' voice and he tried to focus on the guitar in his hands. Over the past two years, he worked hard to become semi-confident on the guitar, but he had never managed to meet Jaemin's level. 

He sighed as his thoughts went into an unwanted direction once again and started moving his fingers on the strings. 

He took one last breath and closed his eyes. Even though he was used to performing in front of other people by now, he still hadn't figured out how to get rid of this nervousness he felt every time right before he started singing. 

He learned how to deal with it though. With the help of a certain boy, he now decided to banish from his mind. 

It was a slow and calm song. Renjun found those even harder to sing than the loud and exciting ones because you have to control your voice more and make sure you're not giving it too much power whilst also trying to not be too quiet. 

Singing was hard. 

He finished off the song and the girls in the back started squealing and clapping violently. Even Mr. Choi got used to their presence after throwing them out in the beginning, he didn't even roll his eyes anymore when they start cheering. 

"Technically, you did everything all right. I'm glad to see that you've incorporated the tips I gave you last time. But Renjun..." the boy started chewing on his lower lip, something he always did when his teacher criticized him. "What's going on with you today? Delivering emotions were never a huge challenge for you, but today... that wasn't it." 

Renjun nodded, hiding the frustration he felt on the inside. He didn't have a problem with his teacher criticizing him, but he was aware of the reason why he wasn't as focused today and that annoyed him. 

There was so much he blamed him for. 

The last few weeks of the past school year were like hell because he basically had to save all his grades. He struggled hard after what happened during summer break. Losing the most important person in his life messed with him so much that he didn't really care about school for almost all of last year. 

Not even singing or dancing made him happy anymore. 

Nearing the end of the year he finally managed to get over it and with hard work and dedication he still made it under the first 2% of students. Chenle played a big role in that, he helped him a lot. 

And all of that just because a stupid boy broke his heart. 

***

Jaemin didn't know what he expected from his first day back at school. 

Did he hope no-one had noticed his missing or they wouldn't ask him about it? 

Maybe. But deep inside he knew that wasn't very likely, considering this whole situation. 

Even when he was just putting away his things into his locker, there was a small group of girls watching him, which made him mentally shake his head in disapproval. 

Of course, this was not something you'd normally complain about, but they were not the ones that Jaemin wanted to get attention from. 

Back then, Renjun and he were some of the most popular students at their high school, even though his old friend wasn't necessarily an outgoing guy. 

A smile crept onto his face when he thought back to those times right before they had some kind of performance, and Renjun was so nervous that his sweaty hand basically stuck to his own. 

"Why are you smiling like a lovesick girl?" 

Jaemin turned around, surprised by the voice he immediately recognized. 

"Donghyuck!" he cheered and welcomed the other boy with a big hug. He was so glad to finally see someone he actually used to be friends with. 

Donghyuck, or Haechan how he liked to be called, used to be Jaemin's best friend right after Renjun. They sometimes did projects together if he wasn't currently occupied with something concerning Renjun, which admittedly, wasn't the case very often. But they still managed to become quite good friends over time. 

"I honestly didn't think I'd see your ugly face again." 

"You were literally the only person who knew I'd only be gone for a year," Jaemin said frowning. 

Donghyuck shrugged, "After you suddenly disappeared and didn't respond to my texts until a couple of months ago, I just assumed you were living a double life all along and had to pick only one," he explained, raising one finger. "I didn't really understand why you'd choose the one that I'm not present in but hey, I'm not holding grudges. 

Just when Jaemin was about to comment on his friend's behavior by telling him he really didn't change at all, he became aware of a black-haired boy standing not far behind his friend. 

Haechan seemed to have noticed because he dragged the boy over to them, smiling. "Jaemin, this is Mark Lee, my... friend." 

Mark was smiling but Jaemin could easily see how tense he really was. They shook hands. 

"Where do you know each other from?" he asked genuinely interested. He had never seen this boy around and the way they kept looking at each other made him really curious. 

"Oh, you mean Mark? We met at one of Changbin's parties. They share some classes." 

"Since when do you go to parties?" Jaemin asked amused. 

Haechan was usually the one who wanted to just stay in on weekends and play video games, parties never used to interest him. 

Haechan looked at his shoes, "Well, after you left I had to spend my time doing something." 

Jaemin was relieved when the bell rang and the two boys left him to go to their next class. Even though he enjoyed talking to his good friend, and Mark seemed to be nice from what he could tell, he couldn't help but feel exhausted. 

This day was much more stressful than he originally thought. 

***

"You received some criticism I see?" 

Renjun sat down next to Chenle at their usual desk in the cafeteria, groaning. 

"How did you know?" he asked and tried to suppress the clear annoyance in his voice. Chenle didn't deserve to have to deal with his bad mood. 

His younger friend shrugged, a sly smile spreading across his lips, seemingly impressed by himself. "You really should've figured out by now that I'm capable of friendship-telepathy." 

Renjun raised his eyebrows at him, and gave him a look that said something around the lines of 'Seriously'.

Chenle returned his gaze confidently but caved in at the end. "Or maybe your lip is all chewed up, which you always do when you're nervous." 

"Mmh" was all he replied with and started devouring his lunch, which today consisted of a big slice of pizza and a chocolate pudding. Their school usually provided them with good and healthy food, but once a week they held a junk food day, about which all the students including Renjun were constantly looking forward to. 

Chenle looked at him, the jealousy prominent in his eyes, whilst taking a bite of his sandwich made by his mother. Renjun was about to delve into his pizza but instead held it in front of the other boy. 

"Swap?" 

Chenle's face brightened up almost instantly as if he had only waited for his hyung to offer his food to him. He was always generous, but probably just to make up for punching him all the time. 

Renjun took the sandwich out of his hand and took a big bite. It was surprisingly good. "How does your mom make even a boring piece of bread taste this good?" 

Chenle swallowed the pizza, shaking his head. "Don't even try to change the subject. So, what did you do wrong at practice?" 

Renjun rolled his eyes, "Don't say it like that. I just didn't sing with enough emotion, that's all." 

The blonde boy stopped eating and looked at him in surprise, "Not enough emotion? Is that the Renjun we all know and love?" 

“If you don't want to eat the pizza, you can just give it back.”

Chenle immediately raised the hand in which he was holding the pizza, so that Renjun couldn't reach it. 

“Yeah...” Renjun grumbled, “...that's what I thought.”

Looking back, Renjun himself didn't really know how he ever thought his friend could shut up for even just a minute. 

"Do you think it's because of Jaemin?" Chenle broke the silence between them yet again. 

"Don't mention his name, I don't want anything to do with him, or talk to him, or talk about him. And I'm warning you, if one more person comes up to me and asks me about him, you'll have to hold me back or I'm throwing hands." 

"Don't you think you should just-" 

"No, I don't even want to see him. And now shut up or I'll leave." 

Chenle swallowed visibly and nodded. Renjun almost felt bad for being low key nasty to him. He knew he didn't mean to be annoying, but the younger boy's curiosity could be extremely irritating at times. 

The two of them continued to eat their lunch in silence. 

They didn't notice the black-haired girl sitting at the table behind them, recording their conversation. 

***

After lunch break, which basically just consisted of Jaemin avoiding every single question concerning his disappearance or Renjun, he just wanted to hide somewhere no-one would bother him at. A small bad habit of his, but this day demanded special measures. 

The only place he could think of at that moment was the restroom on the first floor, which was rarely occupied during class because it was quite far away from the classrooms. 

Just when he was about to open the door, someone called his name. He turned around, unable to erase the slightly annoyed expression from his face. 

In front of him stood a girl with long black hair, who he didn't recognize right away, but she seemed familiar. She was really pretty, not that Jaemin was interested... 

"Yes?" 

The girl smiled but it didn't really look like she did that out of happiness. 

"I just wanted to show you something," she said and pulled something out of her bag. It was her phone. 

"I was sitting near Renjun at lunch today and thought you might want to hear what he had to say about you." 

"About me?" he asked pointing at himself. 

She laughed as if he had just made a funny joke. "Of course about you. You used to be best friends, right? Come on Jaemin, all of this might have been a year ago, but you still have fans. Besides, everyone knows how much you two meant to each other." 

Meant, past tense. That hurt him. 

He nodded, "Okay, so what do you want to show me?" 

Her smile grew even bigger, glad that he didn't turn her down, and started playing a voice recording. She handed him the phone and Jaemin held it to his ear to hear better. 

"Do you think it's because of Jaemin?" he heard an unknown voice say. 

"Don't mention his name." Now that was definitely Renjun, he'd recognize his soothing voice out of a hundred. 

"I don't want anything to do with him, or talk to him, or talk about him. And I'm warning you, if one more person comes up to me and asks me about him, you'll have to hold me back or I'm throwing hands. Don't you think you should just- No, I don't even want to see him. And now shut up or I'll leave."

A peep noise signaled the end of the recording. Jaemin swallowed hard. Wow, Renjun seemed to be really angry at him. 

He gave her the phone back before letting his mind go over what he had just heard. He wanted to be alone now. 

"Thanks," he mumbled unsure of what to say to her. Without waiting for a response, he turned around and entered the restroom. 

Jaemin walked over to the sink and splashed some cold water in his face. 

He had expected things to be a lot easier than they actually were. Or let's just say he had hoped. 

He had hoped that people wouldn't ask him so many questions. He had hoped everything would be like before he left. He had hoped he would've talked to Renjun by now. 

Even though Renjun obviously didn't want to talk to him, Jaemin longed to have the boy in front of him. He wanted to wrap his arms around him, sing with him, see his beautiful smile. 

A mixture of water and tears started to drip down his face, landing in the sink he was leaning over to look at his face in the mirror above. 

A part of him regretted ever leaving this place, but another part of him knew his past self wouldn't have been able to deal with what happened. He just had to go after what he did to Renjun and to himself. 

It never seemed possible to Jaemin that he'd be able to fuck up so badly that he'd literally flee, but people surprise themselves too, they say. 

Judging from all the questions and everyone's uncertainty, Renjun kept quiet about what happened. He was honestly glad. 

He felt this urge to go up to Renjun and thank him for that, but he didn't think the older boy would let him get close enough to do that. He'd probably slap him the first chance he got. 

Jaemin jumped up when he heard footsteps approaching. He hid quickly behind the corner inside the restroom and pressed himself against the cold tiled wall. 

A few moments later, the door opened and he heard someone entering. Jaemin was expecting to hear two voices talking to each other, as students mostly go to the restroom in pairs, but there was no-one talking. He heard the tap being turned on and water splashing. 

Jaemin got more curious by the second so he looked around the corner carefully. Even though he could only see the back of the boy's head, he recognized him almost immediately and had to hold back a loud gasp. 

It was Renjun. Fear started running through his veins and he disappeared behind the corner again. 

All this time he had wondered about what it would be like to finally meet him again, see him again, but now that he was so close to him, he was not so sure anymore if that's really what he wanted. He was scared, really scared. 

Renjun didn't want to see him let alone talk to him, so he should probably just leave him alone. 

He just couldn't bring himself to bother him. 

After he heard him leave the room, Jaemin waited behind the corner for a moment before leaving himself, cursing under his breath. 

He shouldn't be complaining about his situation, it was all his fault after all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, feel free to leave me some constructive criticism <3

Much to Renjun's delight, the next morning promised to be the start of a far less stressful day than the previous one. Not every second person passing his way started whispering to their friends, and nobody asked him about Jae- about _him_.

“Good morning hyung,” Chenle greeted him with his always present smile, as Renjun came over to his younger friend's locker.

“Good morning Chenle.”

“You seem to be feeling better today.”

Renjun nodded, "I'm honestly surprised that so far I didn't have to see that idiot, and I hope it'll stay that way."

The way his friend was rummaging through his locker made it seem like he was looking for something. When Renjun took a look inside, he couldn't help but shake his head. No wonder he didn't find anything in that chaos consisting of textbooks, candy wrappers, scrambled paper and random pieces of clothing.

“You'll have to talk to him sooner or later. Maybe you should go to him and tell him how you feel instead of waiting for him to approach you.” “No thanks, I'll wait and slap him when he actually dares to try to talk to me.”

Chenle sighed, “Shouldn't you be the mature one?”

“ _Excuse me_ ,” Renjun, the oldest among his friends, sounded offended. “Tell me who has been looking for his maths textbook for three fucking months because he's incapable of keeping his locker tidy?”

“That has nothing to do with being mature, I like the chaos.”

“That's what all hoarders say.” Chenle was just about to argue again, but a quiet voice interrupted him.

“C-Chenle?”

The two boys turn around to see a tall boy with a cute face that reminded Renjun of a mouse.

“Um, yes?”

The tall boy seemed to be really nervous as his gaze never met their eyes but instead was focused on his shoes. “I-I wanted to ask you something.”

He hesitated, which made Renjun decide that it's probably best to leave them alone. He couldn't help but smile in excitement when he realized that his first class today was actually a singing class. He loved having those in the morning because if he went to the classroom early, he got to spend at least 20 minutes in the room, all by himself.

Just him and the many beautiful guitars that were displayed there, for the students to practice.

The moment he arrived at the classroom for his singing class, he shut the door behind him, threw his bag on the floor and picked up the beautiful black guitar that he always chose over the others. A memory of his friends telling him how _out of character_ his choice is, to go with the jet-black guitar every single time, brought a smile to his face.

Even before sitting down on the stool in the middle of the little stage, his fingers started plucking the strings, playing a tune that Renjun had stuck in his head for the past few days.

It didn't take him long to start singing.

There weren't many things that made him feel this comfortable and secure, but getting lost in music never disappointed him.

With closed eyes, he poured out his heart as he sang, full of emotions. It wasn't his plan to do that, but sometimes he just forgot everything around him and didn't even realize what he was doing.

A sudden noise coming from the door made him snap out of his trance and open his eyes.

It was hard to see anything because Renjun didn't turn on the big lights when coming in, but it seemed like someone had tripped into the room through the back door, which was usually where the girls got in and watched.

Renjun stood up and squinted his eyes to see better. "Hello? Is everything alright?" The person got up from where they were crouching on the floor and Renjun took in a sharp breath.

“Jaemin,” he heard himself say but his voice sounded oddly distant.

It really was him. Renjun had to admit that seeing his face triggered a lot of emotions inside him, but not only the bad. He felt excitement and happiness overcoming him.

His pretty face that he used to be so jealous of... it was weird to think that back then he took it for granted, looking into his face a hundred times a day if he wanted to. He genuinely missed it.

But then memories of what happened flooded his mind and the sudden pain in his chest felt like a knife stabbing his heart. Anger and hurt, it all came back, now that Jaemin was so close to him.

Jaemin's mind seemed to be going wild too because he just stared back at him agape. They stood there silently for a moment until the younger of the two finally managed to get some words out of his mouth.

“Listen Renjun... It's... I don't really know what to say.”

“Nothing!”

Jaemin was just as surprised about Renjun's sudden outburst as he was himself. Renjun couldn't think at that moment, his body was lead completely by his emotions.

“You shouldn't be saying anything!” He cursed himself mentally when he felt the tears coming, but he didn't hold them back. “You should be leaving me alone. Actually, you should be leaving this whole town, just like you did last time!”

Jaemin looked down on his shoes, looking like he was afraid to say anything. He had probably expected such a reaction. Rightly so! He _deserved_ it.

He also deserved to get screamed at by Renjun a little more, but he was scared to break down completely if he let his feelings take complete control over him. So instead, he put away the guitar, grabbed his bag off the floor and walked over to the exit, but before actually leaving, he turned around once more.

“Stay away from me.”

Renjun hated how weak his voice sounded and quickly left before Jaemin could respond. He prayed that the younger boy would leave before his class started in less than ten minutes.

***

Jaemin felt like shit.

It felt like back then, when everything went down... the night that ruined his life (for the moment at least).

He really couldn't judge Renjun for hating him because he hated himself just as much, if not more. He deserved it. Hell, Renjun could've slapped him and he would've just let it happen.

He wished for nothing more but to go back in time and do everything differently, do everything right.

Jaemin stood there frozen and stared at the door that his former best friend just left through. He was sorry, for everything. He knew he messed up and that it was his fault.

After clearing his mind of these depressing thoughts he left the room, hoping that nobody would come his way and talk to him because he really couldn't deal with anyone right now.

He didn't even know where he was going but he trusted his legs to get him somewhere he'd be alone.

A few minutes of wandering around the school ground later, he found himself at the big school garden. All the benches were free because the students were already on their way to their first class.

Jaemin decided to skip, he really didn't feel like sitting in a crowded classroom right now. He made his way over to the closest bench and made himself comfortable.

The weather was especially nice on this day, so nice in fact, that the sun blinded him. Scrunching up his face, he put his arm over his eyes to block out the light.

He didn't know how much time had passed when he suddenly heard footsteps approaching. It had definitely been a little while since the bell rang, so he expected a teacher yelling at him any second, to make him go to class.

But the footsteps kept coming closer without anyone speaking up. Jaemin kept waiting with pricked up ears.

Only when he felt someone sitting down next to him, he finally removed the arm from his face and looked up. The blonde boy had a kind face but his expression was rather gloomy. Jaemin would've thought it was just a coincidence that he sat down next to him, but considering the fact that there were literally a dozen of other unoccupied benches in short proximity, this boy must've had a reason to do so.

“Do we know each other?” Jaemin asked carefully.

In the past few days, a handful of people came up to him and claimed to know him, but Jaemin didn't remember any of them. Which, of course, didn't make for a great reunion.

The boy shook his head. “You don't know me but I know _you_. You're Jaemin, right?”

Jaemin sat up straight and nodded. At this point, he didn't even try to hide his confusion anymore.

The blonde boy sighed, “I'm Chenle, Renjun's friend.”

“Oh.”

Of course, he had found new friends by now, why was this so surprising to him? Why should he be upset by this? Renjun was a great friend, everyone who got to call themselves one of his friends, was lucky. And Jaemin had let him go.

“Listen,” Chenle started off and looked at his hands, “Renjun wouldn't like it if he found out that I talked to you, but I just have to get this off my chest.”

His voice sounded upset, which somewhat unsettled Jaemin.

“So... I don't know what happened back then, he didn't tell anyone. Not even me, and I'd like to say that I kind of became his best friend over the course of the last year, so-”

“Wait a second,” Jaemin interrupted him, “he never talked about it? Not even with his best friend?"

Chenle shook his head. “From what he _did_ tell me and what I could figure out myself, you hurt his feelings pretty bad. It took him almost a whole year to get over what happened, he almost didn't pass his exams because of that. But then he finally managed to pull himself together and he's been feeling a lot better ever since, not perfect but at least better than before.”

“Why are you telling me all of this?” Jaemin noticed he sounded a little rude but he was genuinely interested in why.

“I just want you to know that whatever you did, messed with him for a long time and it wasn't easy for him to get over it. Now that he's feeling fine, you're coming back and I don't want all of this to happen again. I don't want you to hurt him like that again.”

Jaemin looked down on his shoes, embarrassed that he wasn't there for Renjun when he needed him... even though, Jaemin himself was the reason why he felt bad in the first place.

“I'm sure you're sorry and maybe you even want to make up for it, but please don't expect too much from Renjun. Give him time and leave him alone for now. That's the least you can do.”

Jaemin couldn't think of something to say so he kept quiet and nodded. He had never been so ashamed of his past behavior before.

He just wanted everything to be like before he left.

Chenle stood up. “Okay, I should go now. I actually just wanted to go pee but then I saw you sitting here and my teacher is probably going to kill me if I stay here any longer so...” he stopped his awkward blabber and cleared his throat. “Bye, I guess.”

The young boy turned away and started walking back to the school building, but Jaemin called after him.

“Thank you!”

He turned around to give him a friendly smile, then he was gone.

Jaemin buried his face in his hands. _What was he supposed to do now?_

***

When Renjun came home from school that afternoon, his mom was in the kitchen preparing their lunch.

“Hey, mom.”

“Hey honey, how was school?”, she asked as usual.

“Good,” he answered curtly and immediately started running up the stairs to his room.

He was used to the fact that no one really cared about the answers to questions like ' _How was school?_ ' or ' _What have you been up to?_ '. These questions were only asked to give off the illusion that they are actually interested in your life, but they truly aren't.

Because if they were, they wouldn’t be satisfied with such a brief answer consisting of only a single word.

Needless to say, he was pretty surprised that day, when his mom dug a little deeper. “Jaemin’s back, I’ve heard,” she simply stated, waiting for her son's reaction.

Renjun froze in the middle of walking up the stairs. “Oh,” was all he got out.

“I just want to make sure that this isn't going to end up in another huge breakdown. You barely saved your grades last year and you can’t let that happen again this year, okay? You need to start thinking about college, so take care of yourself.”

Renjun sighed heavily. Of course, it was all about his academic performance. Last year, when he was failing most of his classes, his parents didn’t push him, which he was thankful for at the time, but they also didn’t seem to care about helping him.

He tried to see it in a positive way, at least they didn’t pressure him. But as soon as he got his grades under control, they let him know how glad they were that he started taking his education serious again.

They weren’t glad their son was feeling better after having his heart broken, but because his grades improved. If it wasn't for Chenle constantly cheering him up, he probably would've suffered from that a lot longer. He was truly thankful to have him as a friend.

“Okay mom,” he replied briefly and disappeared into his room to start with his homework.

Renjun immediately got back into his room after eating lunch with his parents, and three hours later he was still sitting at his desk, but the homework he was supposed to be doing, was laying in front of him, untouched.

His head just couldn’t stop thinking about everything going on, about all the bad things, about Jaemin, about all the things he ever said to him that hurt him.

Why couldn’t his brain just shut up?

He got up from his desk and for what felt like the fiftieth time in the past few hours, he walked over to his closet. The wide opened doors offered a view of his clothes, that he just randomly stuffed in there not caring about the scolding he’d receive by his mother. But more importantly, on the bottom of the closet, there was a box filled with old photo albums.

For a couple of minutes, he stood in front of the tall piece of furniture, staring at the box. The urge to look through the old pictures was strong, but ninety percent of those photos included Jaemin and thanks to Chenle, he now knew that that would definitely count as self-destructive behavior. And he wasn't about that life anymore.

He did it several times last year after Jaemin left, and every single time he regretted it. The short state of euphoria he got in when remembering all the good memories didn’t make up for how miserable he felt afterwards when the realization hit him that he’d probably never experience something like this again.

Renjun knew that he found a truly great friend in Chenle, but he wasn’t Jaemin.

Jaemin and him were convinced that they were soulmates, or that’s what they always used to say anyway.

That small memory made him smile. And not even a second later he felt the pain stinging in his heart and the smile on his face was replaced by tears, that were threatening to spill out of his eyes any second.

“This is exactly why you should just stay away from that stupid box,” he mumbled to himself and slammed the doors of his closet shut.

It really wasn’t his fault, his thoughts just kept going back to Jaemin no matter what he did.

Why did he have to come back?

Renjun was at that point where he was too tired to keep thinking about the other boy, but also too tired to actively keep his mind from doing so.

So he did what had saved him last year whenever he felt this way. He picked up his phone and dialed a number he didn’t even have to think about, his fingers automatically found the right keys.

It wasn’t long until Chenle accepted his call. “Hyung, what’s up?”

“Can you come over? I need some distraction.”

“What a coincidence!” Chenle called out excited, “I just downloaded this new game and it’s amazing! I’m sure you’ll love it! I’ll be there in ten, make sure your Gameboy is charged!”

And then, in typical Chenle fashion, he abruptly ended the call. Instead of getting annoyed, Renjun just smiled at his friend's positive mood and load personality. It never failed to make him smile.

He sighed as a sad thought ran through his mind.

_Chenle and Jaemin would get along so well._


	3. Chapter 3

It had been two weeks since Renjun told Jaemin to leave him alone and so far, he seemed to be actually listening to him.

  


Of course, Renjun was happy about that overall because now he could at least try to concentrate on other things, (like school) but he couldn’t help but feel a little bit disappointed.

  


He knew that what he said made it clear to Jaemin that he shouldn’t even try to talk to him, but Renjun didn’t think that he’d give up so easily. The Jaemin he knew would’ve never given in so quickly.

  


Jaemin’s intentions were probably only to apologize anyway. Not to build up their friendship again. He had moved on, and Renjun originally thought he had as well, but his mind kept going back to that stupid idiot.

  


He had to finally get this whole thing out of his head and start focusing on school again.

  


Technically, nothing had changed since Jaemin came back, apart from the fact that fewer girls came to watch his singing practice because they were probably busy running after the younger boy.

  


He actually preferred it that way. Especially right now that the first showcase was just about to happen.

  


Their school had this thing called the showcase, which was a kind of performance of a few students. They were being held every two or three months and attended by some pretty important people, mainly talent scouts. They give out different job opportunities or gigs to those students who caught their attention.

  


The chance to perform at one of these showcases was something every student of their high school sought after, but it wasn't that easy to get a spot. Only the teachers decide who would be able to show their talents because after all, their school had to maintain a reputation.

  


The students were usually set up in groups or pairs (again, the teacher’s choice) if they thought it would highlight their strengths more or to practice what it’s like to work in a team, which was very important for those who are planning on going into theatre after school.

  


They also gave out solos though.

  


Of course, it also looked really good on your resume if you got a job.

  


Jaemin and Renjun had had the opportunity to participate in showcases multiple times. In his freshman year, Renjun got to play a small role in a music video because of that (they said his visuals fit the aesthetic of the video really well.)

  


Jaemin accompanied him on the set, according to him for moral support, which admittedly, he really needed.

  


The following years were even better for both of them, as they got to perform together as a pair at various showcases. It was the time of their lives because apart from all the time they spent with each other on a daily basis, they now even had to spend more time together, to practice.

  


Through these other opportunities they were able to snatch a few more jobs here and there, some smaller than others, but still just as cool and exciting for the two young boys.

  


And with that, their popularity at their high school rose more and more.

  


However, Jaemin disappearing all of a sudden and Renjun developing problems to deal with the whole situation, concluded in him not getting a single spot in the showcases that year. Not a single one.

  


That was the point when his parents started to worry, but they didn’t say anything. What they did say though, was that he should consider that getting many jobs during his high school time would make it a lot easier for him to become successful in show business later on.

  


Another reason why Renjun tried extra hard lately was that he was so sick of disappointing his parents just because Jaemin messed up. His singing teacher Mr. Choi spent a lot of extra time practicing with him so that now he could comfortably say, that he was the best he’d ever been.

  


Given, there were some problems with voice cracks every once in a while, but it’s been going great regardless.

  


So of course, he was all the more excited to come into the big theater hall this afternoon, to find out whether or not he got the chance to participate in the upcoming showcase, for the first time in over a year.

  


About a week prior to the teachers making their final decision, they shortlist a number of students to push them to work even harder and show that they deserve that spot. After all, they only give out a few, and the competition was hard.

  


Renjun saw a small gathering of students on the performance stage of the hall, as he entered through the big doors. Usually, it was always the same group of people being shortlisted and eventually performing in front of the talent scouts, and until this whole thing happened, Renjun was one of them.

  


He greeted the others and most of them greeted him back. That was it. No conversations or congratulations for potentially making it.

  


Renjun sighed quietly. This school was all about jealousy, competition, and business. He hated it so much, but the handful of genuine people he'd met, like Jaemin and Chenle, had made it a lot more bearable for him.

  


Luckily, it wasn’t long until Mr. Choi and Mrs. Lee, their singing teachers, and Mr. Jung accompanied by Mr. Park, the two dancing teachers, arrived with clipboards in their hands.

  


“ It seems like some of you still haven’t arrived, but we’re going to start regardless,” Mrs. Lee announced. She was organizing this whole thing.

  


Mr. Park cleared his throat, “There will be four performances in total, one of them being a dance solo. Congratulations Park Jisung.”

  


**(This feels like an episode of Dance Moms, SM version)**

  


Renjun looked surprised at the tall boy who was smiling brightly. It took him far too long to recognize his face, and when he finally did, he couldn’t help but smirk.

  


It was the boy who wanted to talk to Chenle, but seemed incredibly nervous about it for some reason. Renjun was happy for him, he had to be a really good dancer if he beat the others, who had gotten dance performances during the last few showcases, and who were now eyeing the smiling boy as if he just killed someone.

  


Renjun absolutely loved this school.

  


“ Now coming to the singing performances, we’re going to have three this time. Two solos and one duet.”

  


Renjun frowned. When he used to participate in these, there was never more than one solo. There either had to be a number of new students with outstanding talent, or others managed to improve immensely.

  


“ The first one will be of Lee Donghyuck. He already informed us that he can’t be here today, so we’re going to contact him later to let him know.”

  


Another big fat smile made it onto Renjun’s face as he heard Haechan's (or Donghyuck's) name being revealed. Haechan was one of the only normal ones in this group, and he liked him even though they never really spoke a lot.

  


And he was an incredible singer, of course.

  


“ The second solo,” Mrs. Lee continued, “will be performed by Kim Yerim. Congratulations,” she finished off in a monotone voice.

  


A graceful girl stepped out of the row of students, ignoring the grumbling of the others and hands on her cheeks as surprise covered her pretty face. She obviously didn’t expect to get a solo.

  


Renjun didn’t know her, but she looked nice and judging by her humble reaction she wasn’t like all the others. She sincerely thanked the teachers and once the shock wore off, she finally started to smile. Renjun was excited to hear her sing sometime.

  


“ Okay, moving onto the duet now,” Mr. Choi silenced the still bickering teenagers in front of him. “We’re pleased to welcome back our duet from previous years, Huang Renjun and Na Jaemin. Congratulations.”

  


Saying Renjun was shocked would’ve been a clear understatement. No, he was more than shocked. He was…  _ very _ shocked.

  


At first, he didn’t even notice some of the girls next to him crying because they realized they'd have to leave this room empty-handed.

  


“ What?” Renjun mumbled.

  


“ Is there a problem?” Mrs. Lee asked, confused about his reaction. He didn’t seem excited about this opportunity at all, and for a second he genuinely thought about declining the offer. But if he did that, they’d give it to somebody else.

  


Could he really risk not getting a spot just because he didn’t want to see Jaemin?

  


His heart ached as he thought of his parent’s disappointed faces waiting for him at home. He’d have to tell them once again, that he just wasn’t good enough.

  


He swallowed his emotions and shook his head, trying to sound as convincing as possible when he said: “No, there’s no prob-”

  


The load noise of the doors suddenly being slammed open, interrupted Renjun and made everyone turn around to watch a heavy breathing Na Jaemin stumble into the hall.

  


“ I’m really sorry, I came as fast as I could. I hope I didn’t miss anything.”

  


Jaemin’s gaze wandered across all the students whilst still trying to catch his breath. When he saw the crying girls, he realized that in fact, he probably was a little bit too late.

  


“ Oh.”

  


Mrs. Lee ignored the sudden interruption and cleared her throat to get the students attention again. “We’re going to hang up the schedule for your rehearsals on the notice board by tomorrow morning. We hope you’re going to give it your best,” she ended her announcement and left together with the other teachers after the students bowed to them.

  


Then everyone left in a big group of crying and upset boys and girls, Renjun being right in the middle. When they came by a still very confused Jaemin, Renjun stopped to quickly look at him.

  


He regretted it immediately but acknowledged the fact that he would just have to handle this situation professionally, for his parents.

  


“ We're going to sing a duet together.” His voice was bland and emotionless, and without waiting for a response, he turned around and left.

  


Just this little confrontation made him feel weird and tight in his chest.

  


This was going to be a fun few weeks.

  
  


***

  
  


“ Are you okay, Renjun? You’re so quiet today.”

  


His mom picking up on Renjun’s bad mood startled him for a second. They were currently sitting at the dinner table, eating what seemed like a new recipe his mom tried out including broccoli and eggplant.

  


The surprise of his mom asking about his life out of school or business disappeared when he remembered that teachers call the parents of those, who made it. She already knew he got in, and that’s why she asked him. She wanted to give him the chance to tell them so that they can act like the proud parents in a happy family they are, or they’d like to be.

  


“ I’m going to be performing at the showcase,” Renjun announced, giving them what they wanted.

  


“ Oh really? That’s amazing honey! Is it a solo?” Mrs. Huang turned to look at her husband, who sat a little bit straighter now, expecting his son’s answer.

  


Renjun on the other hand, pushed his food around his plate, too scared to look into his parents' faces when he knew that what was going to come out of his mouth wasn’t what they wanted to hear. “No, it’s a duet, with Na Jaemin.”

  


In the corner of his eyes, he saw the smile disappearing from his mother’s face. “What?” his dad asked, putting down his fork, “Jaemin? Since when is that boy back?”

  


Even if he wasn’t nearly as interested in his private life as his mother, which already wasn’t quite that much to begin with, he did definitely witness the disaster that was last year, and who had caused it.

  


“ It’s been a few weeks I think,” Renjun mumbled and tried to hide the fact that Jaemin’s return had affected him more than he wanted to admit.

  


His mother seemed to have noticed how uncomfortable he had gotten and dropped the whole subject to move onto happier topics. The last thing she said was “It’s going to be fine. Just give it your best and it’ll turn out perfect, you know how important that is, right?”

  


Yeah, Renjun knew.

  
  
  


He was extremely glad when his phone rang and Chenle told him that he could finally come by because the guests, they had in their house up until now, had finally left.

  


“ Are you hungry?” were Chenle’s first words to him once he opened the door for him to come in. “We have so much food now because everyone brought something over. I think someone even made tiramisu for us and you know how much I  _ love _ tiramisu.”

  


Renjun shook his head laughing. That was the Chenle he knew and loved. As soon as the blonde boy saw his friend’s face, he started rambling on and on about random stuff.

  


Usually, that would be a quality that eliminated him as a possible friend for Renjun, but as time went by, it turned out that Chenle is not just a talker, but also an excellent listener at the same time. Renjun thought that was really impressive.

  


They went upstairs to his room, which was about twice the size of Renjun’s, and they made themselves comfortable on the younger’s bed in the middle of the room. In his opinion, it was the comfiest and soft bed in the entire world and whenever they were having a sleepover, he insisted on staying at Chenle’s house, just for that reason.

  


In the beginning, Renjun was a little intimidated by the big house and the big room (and the big bank account), but as soon as he met Chenle’s family, who were probably the kindest people he had ever encountered, he felt nothing but comfortable around them.

  


“ Come on, go ahead and tell me.” Chenle nudged Renjun’s side with his elbow, waiting for his hyung to tell him the good news.

  


Renjun took an unnecessarily dramatic deep breath, “I’m in.”

  


Chenle started cheering, or in his case screaming until he noticed that his friend's expression was still distressed. “Wait… isn’t that a good thing?”

  


The older shook his head, “Not when I have to do a duet with non-other than Na Jaemin.”

  


Chenle gasped and put his hand in front of his mouth in shock, “You can’t be serious!”

  


“ I am, and I almost called the whole thing off just because of that,” he admitted. “But I can’t do that to my parents.”

  


They both didn’t say a thing for a brief moment.

  


“ How am I going to do this, Chenle?” Renjun’s voice had gotten embarrassingly high, but he was so stressed out and desperate, he didn’t care. “I don’t even want to look at him and now I have to do this performance with him, which requires many hours of practice and teamwork from both sides and emotions…”

  


Terror overtook his face at the thought of that. “I’m so screwed!”

  


“ Yeah, you really are,” Chenle agreed and received a punch to his upper arm.

  


“ You should be saying stuff to make me feel better, not worse!”

  


“ Oh yeah, you’re probably right,” he cleared his throat, “Don’t worry hyung. Maybe it’s not even going to be that hard to ignore your feelings. I mean, you had already moved on from this before he came back, right?”

  


Renjun nodded, taking his words into consideration. “You could be right, actually. Maybe it won’t be that bad.”

  


Chenle’s wide smile exposed his white teeth as he hugged him. “That’s right! You can do it! I believe in you! Go Renjun hyung!”

  


For the first time on that day, Renjun genuinely felt like laughing and that fact alone made him even happier.

  


Chenle had a point, it couldn’t be that bad, right?

  
  


***

  
  


Jaemin didn’t know if he was supposed to be happy or concerned about this matter. Admittedly, it was a good opportunity to get things straight with Renjun. He won’t be able to talk himself out of apologizing and spending time with him anymore.

  


His fear of confronting Renjun seriously annoyed him. When did he become such a coward?

  


The moment he arrived at school the next day, he made his way to the notice board to find out when his first rehearsal with Renjun is going to be. It didn’t take him long to find the information he was looking for.

  


_ Friday after school - room E210 _ .

  


That meant he had to have not only talked to Renjun but also picked out a song for them to perform, and all of that until  _ tomorrow _ . He looked at his wristwatch, sighing. Jaemin decided to talk to Renjun during their lunch break.

  
  
  


Finding someone during lunch at their school was a little bit harder than one might imagine. Their school didn’t care about where you eat your food, as long as it wasn’t in the classrooms. You could literally eat in the hallway if you wanted.

  


That was also the reason Jaemin hadn’t seen Renjun during their breaks yet. The older boy never ate at the dining hall because he absolutely hated having to listen to other students talking shit, whilst trying to enjoy his lunch. It used to make Jaemin laugh, hearing him complain about them like a grandpa.

  


No, Renjun had found a special spot during their freshman year. If it wasn’t super cold or snowing, most students had their lunch outside in the big garden behind the school building. It was a big grassy field with several wooden tables and benches, but those were pretty much always occupied by other students. It would’ve been too load for Renjun to sit right by the others anyway, so his new regular eating spot was under a huge tree, a little bit further away from the others, and that cast a decently sized shadow right during their lunch break.

  


Thinking back to that time, never failed to make Jaemin somewhat happy.

  


But when he actually saw the brown-haired boy sitting under said tree, he felt more nauseous than excited. Renjun was showing something on his phone to Chenle, who was seated on their little blanket right next to him and laughed at whatever was on the screen.

  


Jaemin felt even worse seeing them laughing together, but it also made his stomach turn weirdly. He hated this feeling so much.

  


Before any of the other students, that were sitting around in the garden, could notice him and potentially ask him to join them, he walked over to the two happy looking boys sitting under their tree.

  


Once standing in front of them, he cleared his throat to get their attention. The two friends looked at him surprised at first, but then their expressions changed. Chenle started smiling once he realized it was just Jaemin, but Renjun looked like the apple he was eating turned out to be really sour. He immediately missed his beautiful laugh from two minutes ago.

  


“ We have a rehearsal tomorrow after school,” he said still unsure of how to approach the other boy, who obviously didn’t want to see him, let alone do this project with him.

  


“ I know.”

  


Jaemin saw the way Renjun’s jaw clenched, and he considered running off. Instead, he just swallowed his anxiety and hoped that the other wouldn’t scream at him again.

  


“ We still need to choose a song.” Jaemin actually wanted to say a lot more, but every time he stood in front of Renjun, his mind didn't want to cooperate with his mouth and he had to improvise. That probably made him sound like an idiot, but what's new.

  


“ I know.”

  


Renjun didn’t even look at him but investigated a slice of his apple as if he expected to find something much more interesting than what Jaemin had to say. He obviously noticed how much Jaemin struggled but didn’t want to make it any easier for him.

  


_ Fine _ .

  


“ So, I think maybe we should meet up today, after school? To talk about it… the song I mean.”

  


Renjun seemed to be thinking for a short second, then he nodded, still not meeting Jaemin’s gaze. “I’ll be in the theatre hall.”

  


Jaemin agreed with a hushed voice and turned around immediately. It hurt seeing his old friend being so mad at him, in his own passive-aggressive way.

  


When he walked back to the school building he felt like he was going to throw up any second.

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

As soon as Jaemin had left, Renjun turned around to his best friend, sighing in relief. “How was I?” he asked Chenle, who seemed to be quite amused by the scene that just took place right in front of him.

“ I don’t know what you want me to tell you.”

Renjun rolled his eyes, “How did I come across? Like I'm super annoyed and just doing all of this because I was forced?”

Chenle thought about it for a second, “Yeah, I think that description fits.”

A sigh of relief left Renjun’s mouth as he took another apple slice out of his lunch box. “Good, because that’s what I’m feeling and I want Jaemin to know that. I don’t want him to think I’ve already forgiven him.”

His blonde friend groaned, “May I ask you something? But please, don’t get mad at me.” Renjun nodded, but he knew deep down that whatever he said was probably going to annoy him anyway.

“ Why can’t you just forgive him? He seems to be trying very hard to be nice and-”

“ Chenle,” the older interrupted him, “Forgiving someone isn’t that  _ easy _ . Especially when the person you should forgive left for a whole year without saying a word or apologizing… It might be true that his intentions are genuine but I can’t just forget the way he made me feel.”

Chenle reluctantly nodded, “Okay hyung. But promise me that you’ll give him a chance eventually. If he approaches you and wants to explain himself, don’t run away but listen to him.”

“ _ He _ is the one who ran away, not me.” Renjun was surprised by how quickly his voice went from calm to completely irritated. “I don’t want to talk about him anymore,” he said, looking at his wristwatch, “I wasted almost ten minutes of my lunch break for this idiot.”

He picked up his phone again and started scrolling through his Instagram feed, trying to not think about that boy for another couple of hours. He could see Chenle shaking his head in the corner of his eye, but chose to ignore it.

  
  


***

  
  


Deep inside, Renjun knew that Chenle was right, but there was no way he’d admit that. Half of him wanted to just forgive Jaemin, laugh and spend time with him like in the old days, the other half though constantly tried to remind the first half of all the pain and misery Jaemin had caused him.

Why was forgiving someone just so damn hard? How could he possibly forget about all the bad things that had happened and act like they didn't affect him? Renjun didn’t know what to do anymore.

But for the time being, he made his way to the theatre hall to talk to Jaemin about their song choice, whilst trying to ignore his thoughts about how much he’d rather just turn around and walk the other way. The thing keeping him from doing so was the image of his parents' disappointed faces waiting for him at home if he quit.

Arriving at the doors leading to the hall, he took one last deep breath before pressing down the handles and entering the last place he wanted to be at in that moment.

“ Hey,” he said as he approached Jaemin, who was sitting on the wooden stage at the other end of the big room, not even trying to sound anything but annoyed. The younger boy held a notepad and a pen in his hands, and as Renjun got closer, he also noticed the two little cups next to the flask, he put on the floor in front of him.

That was something Jaemin used to do all the time, he’d bring that pink flask and the two cups covered in _Avengers_ -stickers with him, whenever they practiced together or they just met up. It was important for Renjun to take care of his voice, and knowing how much the older boy tended to neglect his own self-care, he wanted to make sure of that.

Little things like this were what made the difference between the normal friendships he’d had with other boys at his school, and his relationship with Jaemin.

“ Hey Renjun,” Jaemin greeted him as Renjun sat down in front of him. He cringed, hearing him say his full name. In the past, he barely called him  _ Renjun _ , instead, he made up different nicknames to call him by. Others used to ask him if he didn't find it annoying, but actually, it made him feel special because Jaemin didn’t do that for any of his other friends.

Even though Renjun never told him how much he liked it, he was sure of the fact that he knew, he always knew what he was thinking.

“ So…” Renjun tried to ignore the awkwardness between them, “Do you have some ideas? Have you decided if you want to sing or just play guitar?” he casually asked, rummaging through his back to check his phone one last time, to make sure he hadn’t gotten any important messages.

But really, it was just so that he wouldn’t have to look the boy opposite him in the eyes.

Jaemin pointed at the notepad in front of him. “I spend my maths class today to think about it, you know the rather complicated relationship maths and I have.”

Renjun had to hold back a giggle when old memories of his friend getting frustrated over maths, pouting, and him thinking about how cute Jaemin looked at that moment, flooded his mind, but he didn’t show any kind of reaction.

Renjun picked up the notepad off the floor and skimmed over the still familiar handwriting. There were six songs in total, all of them triggering a feeling of nostalgia inside of him.

They were all songs that they had either prepared for a showcase but got rejected, or songs they had sung a lot in their free time when they were just having fun together.

After Jaemin had left, Renjun avoided these songs like the plague. Every time they got played on the radio or the TV, he had to change channels or turn it off completely.

One of them was  _ Perfect _ by Ed Sheeran, one of his favorites.

Renjun shook his head as he put down the notepad.

“ No,” he said, still not looking up and mentally asking himself how long he could get away with just staring at the floor.

“ What do you mean  _ No _ ?“ It wasn’t hard to hear how frustrated the other was getting with him.

“ I mean  _ no _ . That's it.”

Renjun knew how awful his behavior was, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted Jaemin to see what he had done, how angry he had made him.

“ So you want to sing a different song? Which one? I’m sure you've come up with some ideas yourself.”

He hadn't given it a single thought if he was being honest. He basically spent the whole day avoiding to think about anything even remotely related to the other boy.

So he just kept quiet.

Jaemin had enough.

He threw the pen, he had been holding in his hand the whole time, on the floor and leaned back on his hands. “Okay, what’s your problem?”

Renjun realized this was the moment he had to finally face him, so he did. But only to stare at him agape, not believing the question he had just asked him. “Are you fucking serious right now?”

“ Yes, I’m being serious. I’m trying really hard and you're completely blocking me.”

“ Well, what are you expecting?!” The younger boy flinched when Renjun raised his voice once again, but he couldn't care less. “Did you really think you could just show up and everything would be back to how it was? Like you can just run away and I’m going to be waiting here for you, a year later, to welcome you with open arms? Stop fucking dreaming, Jaemin.”

Jaemin looked away. Renjun hated himself for it, but he hoped his words hurt him. He usually wasn’t a very hostile person, but Jaemin had made him feel things he never had before, good and bad.

He wanted Jaemin to feel the same pain, he had made  _ him _ feel, even if that probably made him an awful human being.

“ I’m sorry Renjun, I just don’t know what to do…” he whispered, his voice so gentle it almost made Renjun feel guilty, a _ lmost _ . “I didn’t want any of this.”

“ Really Jaemin?  _ You _ didn’t want this? You were the one who didn’t just ruin my relationship with my girlfriend but also-”

“ I was drunk, you know that Renjun!”  _ Of course _ , Renjun thought.  _ Of course, he would rather cut him off than having to hear him say it out loud. _

He scoffed, “We both know you weren’t  _ that _ drunk, or you wouldn’t have left the same weekend!”

Slowly but surely, tears started welling up in Renjun's eyes. Saying all these things, he had been wanting to tell him for literally a year, directly to Jaemin's face, felt both freeing and horrible at the same time.

At this point, he didn’t even try to hold back the tears anymore.

“ You don't know what to do now? Well, I don't know either. But maybe you should realize that all of this wasn't as easy for me as you might think.”

“ I know,” Jaemin admitted sheepishly.

“ What do you know?”

He looked directly into Renjun's eyes, that he assumed were probably already slightly red. “Chenle told me how much I... hurt you.”

The older boy's expression changed from angry to surprised almost immediately. “Chenle talked to you?”

“ He wanted me to know how awful the past year was for you and that I should give you more time...”

The room was so quiet, you could've heard a pin drop.

Renjun had to admit, he was annoyed by the fact that Chenle talked to him about his feelings, but he knew he only tried to do what he thought was right. His young friend always looked out for him, and he appreciated that.

“ Listen Renjun, I'm really sorry. I didn't want to hurt you-”

“ You didn't want to hurt me?” he couldn't hide the obvious anger in his voice. “You broke my fucking heart, Jaemin!”

He wanted to say so much more, wanted to scream at him and let him know about all the things he blamed him for, but his voice cracked every time he wanted to continue. His face was already covered by tears, he just couldn't do this anymore. It was all too much.

He picked up his bag from the floor and left the theater hall without saying another word.

He didn't see Jaemin breaking down right where he left him, crying.

  
  


***

  
  


It demanded a lot of strength from Jaemin to finally get up and leave the school building. He gave it his all to not draw any attention to him so that no-one would come up to him and potentially see his tearstained eyes.

He didn't care about skipping school right now, he just had to clear his mind.

Jaemin decided to walk around for a bit, knowing that if he went home, he'd get asked tons of questions by his mother, that he didn't want to answer. He ended up wandering through town, walking by stores he used to visit together with Renjun.

Before coming back, he had asked himself if he could possibly live his life without Renjun. He could just ignore him and never talk to him again, problem solved.

But after seeing him again, talking to him and hearing his voice, that became a little bit lower since he left, he realized he could never simply ignore him. He'd miss him too much.

He needed Renjun.

Everything reminded him of the shorter boy with the beautiful chocolate brown hair, that he had helped him dye blond last summer. Jaemin liked the blond, he thought it suited him really well, but his mother had a different opinion. She got so mad at the two 16-year-olds, she grounded her son for two full weeks.

Of course, something as ridiculous as house arrest didn't affect them in the slightest.

Renjun simply let him in through his window. Well,  _ simply _ wasn't the right word, considering the mess of branches that the tree leading up to his windowsill was, but he would've done almost anything to see him.

He observed his right hand with a bitter smile on his face, as a specific memory came to his mind. A scar, roughly three centimeters long, dragged itself right across his palm. One time, when he climbed through the window, he cut his hand open on a big nail that was sticking out of the window frame.

He still remembered how quickly Renjun ran downstairs to get the first-aid kit, panicking that he'll bleed out or something, whereas Jaemin himself found the whole scene quite hilarious.

He also recalled how rapidly his heart was beating when his friend carefully patched up his wound, big worry written in his eyes.

That was the weekend a lot of things changed.

They both went to a party, during which Renjun made the acquaintance of Eunha, a girl from a small town near their city (a ten-minute drive away), and the one Renjun had to kiss during a game of spin the bottle.

That's how it all started.

The two saw each other more and more frequently over the following two weeks, and eventually made it official: They were a couple now.

Jaemin was aware of the fact that he was jealous, even back then. But he had always hated himself for feeling that way because Eunha was a really sweet girl, who always made sure to not exclude him or make him feel like she wanted to take his best friend away from him.

Renjun and her were such a perfect match, and she seemed to make him very happy.

Still, Jaemin managed to ruin all of it only four months later.

Jaemin stopped walking when he realized where his legs had led him to.

He stood on the grassy field at the local park, where they sometimes spent their afternoons after school. They would spread a blanket on the grass to keep their clothes clean, picked up Jaemin's guitar and played around with it, singing songs together, some of them written by themselves. Even Eunha joined in sometimes, her voice was actually quite decent even though she never pursued any kind of training in that field.

It's sad to think that he was the one who had destroyed everything.

With slurping steps, he made his way to the middle of the field and laid down on his back, not caring about his clothes getting dirty, and looked up to the blue colored sky. It'd get dark pretty soon and his mom would expect him to come home, but for the moment he just wanted to not think, not care, just lay there.

He closed his eyes, hoping that when he opened them again, the world wouldn't be as messed up anymore.

  
  


***

  
  


When Renjun came home that day, he ignored all of his mom's questions and ran straight to his room. She didn't go after him to investigate further, maybe because she already knew he wouldn't answer her anyway, or maybe because she didn't care. Either way, he was glad she left him alone.

He threw his things in the corner of his room and let himself fall onto his bed, hands covering his face.

His thoughts and emotions were going round in his head, he couldn't think straight. It was like anger, sadness and hurt decided to all squish into Renjun's chest, it was so overwhelming. He felt bad for shouting at Jaemin like that, but at the same time, he wanted to hurt him even more.

His heart was aching, his head was spinning... this had to stop.

Renjun was so sick of holding onto this pain, so sick of being this person that was constantly in a bad mood and disappointing his parents, being a dick to his friends, when they didn't even do anything wrong.

He wanted to scream from the top of his lungs, but obviously, that wouldn't change anything, nor help him in any way.

Renjun knew something had to change. If he liked it or not,  _ he _ had to change. They couldn't go on like this forever.

The hurting boy sat up on his bed and tried to organize his thoughts. “There are two options,” he said to himself. Saying your thoughts out loud helped with figuring yourself out, he had heard. “I either forgive him and we become great friends again, or I quit the showcase and ignore him for the rest of my life.”

Both didn't sound that appealing to him in that moment, but he had to do  _ something _ .

Renjun's gaze wandered through the room, searching for an answer he knew wouldn't be there, stopping at his closet. The closet with the box sitting at the bottom, in which he stored everything he owned that had to do with Jaemin.

He sighed as he walked over to the closet, picked up the box and poured out all of its content on his bed. It had been a while since he last allowed himself to open it.

Most of the stuff in there were photos, a lot of photos. Most of which were taken with a polaroid camera, Jaemin gave him as a birthday present a few years ago. There were also a few strips they took in a photo booth at the nearby shopping center that Renjun liked going to, especially in the winter because of the great coffee they made and the cozy beanbags. Every time they went there, Renjun refused to go home without taking some photos at the booth, and Jaemin never rejected him.

He looked through the photos one by one, swiping away a tear here and there, afraid they would fall on the photos and potentially ruin them. He sat there, a sad smile on his lips, slumped shoulders, until he came across a particular photo that triggered a wave of anger running through his veins.

It was a picture of Eunha and himself, taken on that one evening he absolutely hated looking back on. A memory pushed itself into his mind, and he was too tired to build up the strength needed to suppress it like he usually would.

He could see it in front of his inner eye, Eunha sitting on a bed, multiple buttons of her blouse open, lips on a boy that wasn't Renjun.

He surprised himself with remembering that night in such detail, especially after avoiding to think about it for a year, but as soon as he allowed his mind to go there again, it all came back as if it happened just a few days ago.

Renjun had gone to one of Mark's parties, together with Jaemin and Eunha. He was so hyped that night because they had gotten back an important test that day and he got a surprisingly good grade. At the party, he talked to a few of the other students and somehow lost both Jaemin and his girlfriend.

He remembered how he walked up the stairs with a smile on his face, knowing that Eunha would be sleeping in a room upstairs. She was the biggest lightweight drinker he had ever met, and often laid down on random beds in the middle of parties, to start sleeping off her intoxication. He thought it was really cute, especially when she curled up on his lap.

But when Renjun found her in one of the bedrooms, she wasn't busy sleeping, but busy cheating.

He had recognized her as soon as he entered the room, but his brain needed a few seconds to identify the boy who was currently working on the buttons of her blouse.

“ Jaemin?”

The two figures on the bed had pulled away immediately and jumped to their feet in shock, but he didn't remember much after that. He only recalled screaming at them until Eunha ran out of the room. Jaemin tried to explain himself and that  _ it wasn't what it seemed like _ , but Renjun wasn't stupid.

He had just caught his girlfriend cheating on him with his best friend.

_ Didn't that only happen in movies? _

And when Renjun continued to shout at Jaemin, the other boy just came closer and closer. They both must've been crying at that point because for some reason he remembered how sticky his cheeks felt.

And then, Jaemin was suddenly standing right in front of him, and barely a second later, his lips brushed his own.

Even now when he looked back on it, Renjun couldn't believe what had happened. What was Jaemin thinking, first kissing his best friend's girlfriend and then  _ his best friend _ ?

He really hated how it took him far too long to push the taller boy away, and eventually, run out of the room...

...and that their kiss hurt him more than the one between Jaemin and Eunha...


	5. Chapter 5

“ I knew you'd be here.”

Jaemin jolted up when he suddenly heard a voice. Renjun was sitting right next to him on the green grass, looking down on his hands that were laying in his lap.

“ Renjun, what are you doing here?” he asked, still surprised to see the other boy here. For the past week, Renjun had actively avoided every single place he knew Jaemin might possibly be at, and now he decided to come up to him?

And what was even more unusual, his face didn't show any sign of anger or hurt, just  _ weariness _ .

“ I'm so sick of this, Jaemin.”

Jaemin was about to respond but then chose to let the older finish speaking his mind first. Instead of elaborating though, Renjun handed him something he had pulled out of his sweatshirt pocket, and the moment the hard paper touched Jaemin's hand, he realized what it was.

Despite the fact that he was full of sadness and frustration, Jaemin couldn't help but smile brightly when he looked at the photo.

“ Can you remember?” Renjun asked, grinning himself.

“ Of course I do.”

It was a picture of them both from two years ago when they attended a dancing workshop in London together. It was the best week of their lives because they basically skipped every class to go and explore the city on their own. Obviously, they were scolded pretty badly by not just their teachers, but also their parents.

Whenever they had looked back on that time though, they agreed that it was totally worth it.

“ I'm so sick of feeling bad all the damn time,” Renjun said, the gloomy expression he had been wearing a lot lately, back on his face. “And I don't want to keep forcing myself to forget about all the great things we've done together. Wouldn't that be such a waste of beautiful memories if the only emotions I could link them to were pain and sadness?”

Jaemin agreed, failing to come up with a good response to that, so he just replied with what was going through his mind, not filtering every single word like he usually would.

“ I'm genuinely sorry for causing you all that pain, Renjun.” He looked directly into his eyes in an attempt to show him how sincere he was. “I regret what I did,  _ so much _ . You're right, I wasn't drunk enough to not know what I was doing, but in that moment I was just so confused and my feelings were all over the place. I know that's not an excuse for what I did, and I'd love to explain everything to you if only I could understand it myself. All I know is that I never liked Eunha in  _ that _ way, and I wasn't trying to take her away from you.”

Renjun nodded, his voice surprisingly firm and normal when he said “I know.”

Jaemin caught him chewing on his lower lip, which made him feel a little bit better, seeing as he wasn't the only one being tense and nervy.

“ I got over that a while ago actually. Eunha and I broke up, but we're still talking to each other every now and then if we cross paths.”

Jaemin frowned, “But why are you mad at me then?”

“ Are you seriously asking me this right now?” Renjun asked, sounding both disappointed and slightly amused as if what he had just heard, was the dumbest thing ever.

The older boy shook his head and looked away when Jaemin shrugged as an answer. “I didn't forgive her because I was okay with her cheating on me, but because she approached me literally the next day and apologized. We talked about everything and decided that it would probably be better if we break up now, without a fight. You, on the other hand, ran away and played dead for a whole fucking year.”

_ Okay, that did sound very plausible _ .

“ And her betrayal didn't hurt as much because she never meant as much to me as you did,” Renjun added with a whisper.

_ Did _ .

He was talking about the past, and Jaemin couldn't judge him for that. Not after he basically blew his chance.

“ And if I'm being honest, the fact that you kissed Eunha didn't mess with me as much as... well, what happened after that.”

Jaemin swallowed hard, knowing exactly what he was talking about. “But why?” he asked the older, burning to hear his answer. Shouldn't the fact that he kissed his girlfriend bother him more?

Renjun answered his question with another, “Why did you kiss me?”

As soon as Renjun looked back at him again, Jaemin had to fight back the urge to avert his gaze. He opened his mouth with the intention to say something, but nothing came out.

He himself knew exactly why he had done it, but did he really want other people, especially Renjun, to know about that? Probably not.

“ I... I don't know,” he lied, hoping he wouldn't ask any further. “I was just really confused that night.”

“ In what way confused?”

Jaemin sighed. He knew he had to tell him  _ something _ , no matter how uncomfortable he was.

“ I guess I just wanted to try out new things or something...” He almost visibly cringed at that sentence, it made him sound like a complete idiot.

“ But why me?” Renjun asked, not showing any sign of judgment.

“ I don't really know,” Jaemin shrugged. “I obviously wasn't in my right mind, I mean... I kissed your girlfriend.”

Renjun simply nodded and for a second they just listened to the birds chirping in a tree nearby. Then the older boy stood up and looked down on him. “I'm still angry and hurt, just so you know, but I really want to ace this performance.”

Jaemin got up from the grass as well, and locked eyes with the other. “I get that... Like I said, I'm really trying to make up for everything I did.”

“ Stop it.” Renjun held up his hand and averted his gaze. “Let's just not talk about it anymore, and only focus on the showcase.”

He waited until Jaemin nodded, then walked away with slow steps, not turning around again like Jaemin had hoped he would.

His entire walk home, Jaemin analyzed the whole conversation in his head multiple times, always getting stuck at the same sentence he just couldn't figure out.

Why did the kiss between him and Renjun, upset the older boy more than the one Jaemin shared with Eunha?

  
  


***

  
  


“ I'm truly glad, hyung.”

Renjun smiled at Chenle, who was currently sitting opposite him on a blanket they threw over the grass to keep their clothes clean, at their usual spot in the school garden.

He had told him about it all, the fight they had and how Renjun decided that he didn't want to feel miserable anymore, and finally sorted things out with Jaemin. At least some of the things.

He was aware of the fact that Jaemin hadn't told him everything yet, but he also didn't want to push him too much. After not being in contact for a year, they both needed some time to get used to each other again.

“ By the way, he told me that you talked to him about me.”

Chenle laughed nervously, tugging at a strain of hair. “I'm sorry, I-”

“ It's okay Chenle, I know you just wanted to help. Thank you.”

He seemed to be truly relieved that he wasn't mad at him, and continued to happily eat away on his bag of chips. Renjun picked up his phone to check all his social medias, but before he could even like one picture on Instagram, a tall figure stood in front of them, throwing a shadow that mixed itself with the one of the tree they were sitting under.

The sun lit up the boy so much that Renjun had to squint to make out his face, but his friend had already recognized him. “Jisung!” Chenle cheered and excitedly motioned for him to step closer. “Come sit down with us.”

Jisung, who was still looking nervous as heck, cautiously sat down next to the blond boy. “Renjun hyung, this is Jisung. We have physics together.”

Renjun explained to him that they've seen each other before when they both got a spot at the showcase and gave the now youngest among them a friendly nod with the head. Jisung returned the greeting.

He then cleared his throat and turned back to Chenle, who was still beaming. “Uh, I actually came over because I want to ask you something.”

Renjun had to hold back a chuckle at the other's behavior. It was so obvious that he liked Chenle, but he highly doubted that his friend had noticed. He wasn't someone to pick up on those things.

“ Jeno, a good friend of mine, is throwing a party tomorrow night and I can bring whoever I want... You want to come with me?” Jisung's cheeks turned red almost immediately and his gaze fell down to his shoes.

“ Sure, parties are fun! Can Renjun join us?”

“ It's fine,” he said, trying to turn him down nicely, not because he didn't want to go, but because Jisung had obviously asked Chenle and not him. “I have to study anyway.”

“ Oh please hyung! I thought you like parties, and I don't want to ask my mom to drive me...” Chenle pleaded.

“ It's no problem, you can come too of course,” Jisung clarified for the still contemplating boy.

Renjun sighed, “I don't know...”

Chenle stood up and kneeled down in front of him in order to over-dramatically beg his friend. “Please hyung, please please please-”

“ Okay, fine! I'm coming.”

Chenle threw his fist into the air in victory and sat back down between him and Jisung, picking up the bag of chips on the way and offering it to both.

“ No thanks, I actually have to go now. I just wanted to ask you about the party,” Jisung explained and pushed himself off the floor, onto his feet.

“ Oh, really?” Chenle seemed a little bit disappointed and Renjun noticed the small smile appearing on Jisung's face because of that.

“ Yeah, sorry. But we'll see each other later, right?”

Chenle nodded contently and waved at him, “See you then, Sungie!”

Renjun had to turn away just a little bit to hide the big grin on his face, even though that probably made it even more noticeable. Jisung said his goodbyes and walked back to the school building.

He managed to hold back his laughter until Jisung was far enough to not hear him, but then he couldn't help it anymore. Chenle frowned at his older friend. “Why are you laughing?”

Renjun shook his head, recalling the nickname he had just encountered, “ _ Sungie _ ? Seriously?”

“ What? It's cute,” he said and crossed his arms over his chest defensively. “I like giving people cute nicknames,  _ Junie hyung. _ ”

Renjun still felt like laughing but controlled himself because he didn't want to upset the other. “How well do you actually know Jisung, if you're already giving each other  _ cute _ nicknames?” He had an ulterior motive asking this question, but doubted that his sometimes painfully dense friend would notice.

“ Jisung sat down next to me in physics class, a few weeks ago and then we started hanging out together sometimes. I wouldn't say I know him really well, but doesn't he seem like a really nice guy? Maybe a little reserved at times, but I'm sure after a bit more time spent with me, he'll start running around the school screaming.”

Renjun chuckled, thinking back to that one time he dared Chenle to run around the first floor, screaming as loud as possible. He got detention for that, but always emphasized how it was totally worth it and he'd for sure do it again.

“ And why did he suddenly decide to sit down next to you?”

Chenle shrugged his shoulders. “I have no idea, I guess I just have a friendly face.”

Renjun couldn't believe his friend was being  _ this _ oblivious. “And does he have a girlfriend or something?”

Chenle looked at him with shocked eyes. “Hyung, I didn't know you are also into boys!”

Renjun sighed in defeat, rolling his eyes so hard it almost hurt. “I'm not asking for myself!”

“ Okay, sorry. And no, he doesn't, as far as I know.”

If Chenle himself didn't pick up on Jisung's very obvious behavior, Renjun didn't want to intervene, he should figure it out on his own. Maybe Jisung doesn't even like him that way and he was just a really shy kid that blushed all the time...

It was better if he stayed out of it and let them do their thing on their own.

  
  


***

  
  


“ How about tomorrow evening?”

Renjun dismissively shook his head, stowing away his textbooks in his locker. “I promised Chenle to go to a party,” he explained and turned to face Jaemin, who was leaning against the locker next to his own.

He was already standing there when Renjun arrived, waiting for him to ask about when they should meet up to finally chose a song and start practicing.

There was still a really awkward vibe between them and Renjun couldn't help but feel weird being in Jaemin's presence again, but he tried his best to just not think about it too much.

“ You're going to Jeno's party?” Jaemin's voice was oozing with curiosity.

“ You know him?” Renjun asked surprised. He himself had never heard that name before.

“ Yeah, he's one of Haechan's closest friends. You know him too, he used to be at Mark's parties.”

Renjun scanned his brain for any face he associated with that name. “You mean that handsome guy with the black hair?”

“ I think we're talking about the same person, but  _ handsome _ ? I don't know...” Jaemin scoffed at his statement.

The older boy giggled silently as he shut his locker and started walking off to his next class, Jaemin following him. “So let's do Saturday then.”

“ Okay,” Renjun affirmed. “You can come over to my house, my parents shouldn't be home until the evening. You still know where I live, do you?”

Jaemin nodded in agreement, and Renjun turned around again, hoping he'd not follow him this time.

When he was sure that Jaemin really wasn't behind him anymore, he took a deep breath to calm himself down. Yes, they made up with each other, but Renjun still had a hard time acting like nothing happened, no matter how much he wanted to. It was like his body didn't want him to just be happy for once in a while, it frustrated him to no end.

Then again, he didn't know what Jaemin had to do to change that, so he couldn't really blame him this time.

He could only hope that he'd get used to this new situation he was in and that this weird feeling in his gut, which always seemed to appear when he saw Jaemin, disappeared before it would affect his grades.

  
  


***

  
  


Jaemin would lie if he said that he wasn't at least a little bit more nervous than usual, now that he knew that Renjun would be there too. And it was clear to him that it had nothing to do with the party itself.

He still struggled to figure out what exactly  _ they _ were. If he had to put it into words, 'on the way of becoming friends' would probably be the closest to describing their relationship, which was pretty good considering that he had only been back for a little over two weeks.

The thing bothering him the most is that he just didn't know how to act. He obviously didn't want to make it seem like he was ignoring his own mistakes, but mentioning them all the time would probably only make things worse, he figured.

So he simply tried to not pester the other boy and see what this whole thing developed into. Like Chenle advised him, he wanted to give him some more time.

That was the reason why he decided to not approach Renjun at the party, maybe even go as far as avoiding him. He knew how much the older liked parties because they were a perfect contrast to his otherwise stressful and tiring daily life. He didn't have to try particularly hard to be perfect, but instead just be himself, drink and party, not worrying about anything.

Jaemin himself wasn't the biggest fan of parties, but he got used to attending them because he didn't want Renjun to go alone. Like that one time, when the small boy accidentally drank so much that Jaemin had to piggyback him home and rub his back as he threw up in the toilet all night.

As strict and business-orientated as his parents were, they never commented on their son's enjoyment in getting wasted every once in a while. As long as it didn't influence his academic performance, they didn't care. Jaemin got a little bit angry, thinking about how Renjun's parents used to barely show any interest in the hardworking boy, who just wanted to make them proud.

But he didn't know what was going on in their family when he was gone, maybe they changed and started to care more about his personal life after he left.

The thought of his otherwise apathetic parents, caring more for Renjun than Jaemin, hurt his soul. He had to take his mind off of this.

Luckily, he had just arrived at Jeno's house. It wasn't as big as Mark's house, but still big enough to throw a more than decent party at. For some reason, Jaemin really felt like partying, drinking, dancing, and just having a lot of fun that day.

He hoped that nothing bad would happen...

  
  


As soon as he entered the house, an already slightly tipsy Haechan came up to him. The only reason he knew of his state was the smell of alcohol and the almost empty cup in his hands, not because of his behavior. He was super bubbly and loud all the time not just when he was intoxicated.

“ Hey, Jaemin! Come with me, I need to show you something  _ amazing _ !” he shouted out all excited and pulled the younger through the hallway full of people, right into the even more crowded living room.

Jeno and Mark were standing on the other side of the room, waiting for the two boys to come over. Jaemin was in the middle of greeting them when Haechan interrupted him by enthusiastically pointing at something right next to them, that Jaemin hadn't noticed yet.

“ Check this out!”

It was a big, noticeably new, illuminated table soccer table.

“ Woah, where did you get this?” Jaemin asked Jeno, letting his eyes examine the shiny new toy.

“ My brother's girlfriend had it in her basement and when they moved in together, they needed the space, so they gave it to me as a gift.”

“ Dude, you're so lucky,” Jaemin commented whilst testing out the handles. “It's awesome.”

“ So what now? Aren't we going to play?” Haechan asked, jumping around the boys impatiently. Okay, maybe he was a  _ little _ more annoying with alcohol in his system.

Mark and Jaemin agreed to play, but Jeno declined. “I'm sorry guys, but Nihyun could get here any second and I don't want any other guy to throw himself at her before I get the chance to talk to her.”

Haechan didn't seem to have any empathy for his friend's worry, in comparison to the other two boys, who just nodded. “Oh come one, don't be such a killjoy! It's  _ Bros before hoes _ , don't you remember?”

Good for Haechan, Jeno just rolled his eyes instead of punching the orange-haired boy in the face which a lot of other people would've probably done in this situation, understandably. He walked off and let the three boys behind.

“ Great,” Haechan mumbled, clapping with his hands in an ironic way. “What are we going to do now? We need a fourth player.”

Jaemin was about to suggest they play with only two players at a time, but his tipsy friend's screaming muted him.

Haechan grabbed the arm of someone walking past them, pulled them closer and softly pushed them in Jaemin's direction. “Well, isn't this a great coincidence,” he stated.

Jaemin's eyes widened in shock when he recognized the boy standing only a few centimeters away from him.

_ Of course, it was Renjun, _ he thought.  _ Wouldn't life be a bit too easy if it was someone else? _

The newly arrived boy standing next to him observed the situation, surprise still written in his eyes, which got even worse when he realized who he was literally right beside him. At least it was shock and not horror.

“ What am I doing here?”

“ You're playing table soccer with us! Look, we even have Jaemin here so you two can be a team!”

Haechan apparently didn't notice the slight discomfort written on both of their faces and jumped up and down, clapping with his hands.

Renjun and Jaemin shared a little smile to assured each other that they were okay with this. Well, really it was Jaemin who needed the assurance but still...

“ I'm serving!” Haechan called out, all signs of him being annoyed by Jeno's departure from their little group completely wiped off his face and replaced with childlike excitement, which was admittedly cute.

They all stepped closer and arranged themselves around the rectangular-shaped table.

“ Let's crush them, Markie boy,” Haechan declared and let the tiny soccer ball roll into the miniature field.


	6. Chapter 6

“ Woohoo!” Renjun cheered when he scored a goal, yet again.

He had to admit that the initial thought of playing table soccer didn't spark off his enthusiasm, but as soon as Jaemin and he started bringing balls into Mark and Haechan's goal, he couldn't stop the big grin from forming on his face.

Renjun had also consumed more than just a few cups filled with exhilarating beverages, which brought his mood up even more.

The fact that there was still an awkward mood between him and his teammate, didn't even cross his mind once. He felt good all the way through and loved every second of it.

He was so absorbed in the game that he didn't even notice how he placed his own hand on Jaemin's hand multiple times during the game, to spin the handle he wasn't even responsible for. There was only a small voice in the back of his head trying to tell him something, but he was too focused on the ball to hear what it was saying.

The next goal was scored and with that, Renjun and Jaemin had won for the fifth time in a row. The smaller boy jumped up and down, buzzing with happiness over their victory, and seeing Jaemin smiling at him proudly, made his heart beat even faster than it already was.

His mind was consumed by joy and he didn't think much of it when he embraced the other in a big hug. Only when Jaemin tensed up and didn't hug him back, he remembered there was something wrong, and quickly let go of him.

Hoping no one would blame his red face on the embarrassment of the situation, but rather on the alcohol, he cleared his throat. “You played well,” he said directed at the two upset looking boys on the other side of the table.

Haechan didn't say a word when he pulled Mark away on his arm, pouting, and leaving Renjun alone with Jaemin. If you could even call it  _ being alone _ when you were literally in the same room with fifty other people.

Jaemin opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but a group of girls suddenly stood next to them and linked their arms with theirs. “Are you going to dance with us?” one of them asked in a cute voice and dragged them to the dancing crows of students in the middle of the room. Even though she phrased it as a question, he knew very well that it was more of a demand.

Luckily, he was able to free himself from their hands and forced a smile. “You can go ahead, I just need to find the bathroom first,” he said, pointing in the opposite direction, hoping the bathroom was actually somewhere over there. The girls nodded at him and focused back on Jaemin who they started dancing with the moment Renjun left.

When he arrived at the party, Renjun had noticed that he really had been here before, he just couldn't remember exactly when and under which circumstances. So he just went with his gut feeling that was telling him the restroom was somewhere on the second floor.

As much as he enjoyed parties, there was something about wandering through an almost completely unknown house on his own that unsettled him, so he kept an eye out for a familiar face, but there was no one he knew at least the name of.

He breathed a sigh of relief when he discovered the restroom being unoccupied and that he didn't walk in on someone throwing up their guts, which had happened to him surprisingly often at parties. He quickly did whatever he had come to do, left the room and was about to go downstairs again, when he felt something vibrate in his pockets.

An annoyed groan left his lips when he checked his phone only to see  _ Mom _ written on the screen. Even though the music came from downstairs, it was still loud enough for people to have to shout to communicate, so he decided to just go into one of the rooms to take the call.

“ Mom?”

“ Hello Renjun, can you get some milk when you come home?”

He had to suppress a giggle, tipsy him found the simplest things funny.

“ I don't know when I'm going to be home,” he said whilst letting his gaze wander through the room he was standing in. Renjun speculated it was the room of Jeno's sister who moved out because apart from the furniture, there was no sign of someone living here.

“ It doesn't matter, I'll need it tomorrow morning.”

_ Why couldn't she get it herself then? _ Renjun thought but refrained from actually saying it out loud because he didn't want to fight right now.

“ Sure.”

He ended the call without waiting for a response from his mother, something he wouldn't normally even consider doing, but alcohol made him do brave things... or dumb things.

Just when he reached out his hand to open the door, it slammed open on its own and two boys stumbled into the room. All of them shared a shocked expression when they recognized each other.

“ Haechan?”

“ Renjun?”

They said at the same time.

Clinging onto Haechan's hand was Mark, cheeks flushed and messed up hair, just like Haechan. It was pretty obvious what they were up to.

Renjun quickly apologized, but he didn't know if they heard him because his voice was so quiet and they had already run back out, slamming the door behind them, probably to find another room to- well, do whatever.

The door opened by itself yet again, but this time there was no-one almost running Renjun over, but instead someone taking a glimpse through the crack of the door.

“ Hello?”

Renjun had to restrain himself from physically rolling his eyes when he heard that voice.

“ Jaemin? What are you doing up here?” he asked his 'friend', who now entered the room completely after finding out there was no stranger here. He didn't say a word when he checked the hallway one last time before closing the door and breathing out deeply.

Then he finally turned around to Renjun, who was still rather confused and frowned at him so strongly his face must've looked funny. He was aware of that but his non-sober brain thought it was a good idea to scrunch up his face and slightly pout.

But Jaemin didn't laugh, he actually looked rather stressed out. “I'm sorry, I swear I didn't know you were in here, but those girls... they didn't want to leave me alone.”

Renjun's plan to leave the room suddenly turned into a horror story in his mind, thinking about a bunch of drunk girls waiting in the hallway for them. So he did what first came to his mind, he sat down on the floor, leaning back against the foot part of the bed to make himself comfortable.

Jaemin silently sat down next to him, running a hand through his hair which made it stick up in a way that almost made Renjun laugh again.

His thoughts were all over the place when he felt their knees touching and almost pulled away, but his brain told him he should stay like this and appreciate the warmth radiating off of Jaemin's body.

Renjun looked at his shoes, thinking back to when they had been in a very similar situation at a party before, where some girls literally followed them to the toilet and almost caught them without pants on. He couldn't hold back the laughter and so he just let it out without thinking about it twice.

Jaemin's head turned in his direction. “Why are you laughing?” he asked, now grinning too.

But Renjun was too far off. He couldn't breathe from laughing so hard. Somehow he had always loved that feeling because it meant he was so happy and carefree in that moment, that he literally couldn't control his body anymore. He had peed his pants once, from being in this situation.

At first, he didn't notice Jaemin joining in, but soon you could see these two boys who had so much history together, sitting on the floor of Jeno's sister's room, laughing their asses off.

To them, it felt like they've been laughing for ages. It seemed like an eternity that it took them to finally calm down again and open their eyes, that they both had closed during their laughing fee.

Renjun was a little surprised to find Jaemin's face so close to his own but kept his body from jerking away. He really couldn't say what made him do so, nor did he want to think about it. The only thing he was sure of was, that even after everything they've been through, he was still able to feel safe around him if only he let himself.

They both studied each other's faces, smiles slowly disappearing and no word being spoken. They stayed like this for awhile, until Renjun did something lethal.

His gaze dropped down to Jaemin's lips.

His body started moving on its own, inching forward.

The distance between them slowly becoming smaller and smaller.

Renjun smelled the alcohol in Jaemin's breath, and if his mind would've been able to process thoughts in that moment, he probably would've worried about his breath smelling even worse.

An unknown feeling spread in his body, a feeling of excitement he never experienced before.

He  _ liked _ it.

He  _ wanted _ more.

And then, someone ripped open the door.

**(whoop that rimed)**

“ Hyung, are you in here?” he heard a voice yell through the door seconds before it was opened, his drunken and confused brain taking far too long to figure out who the voice belonged to.

The two boys pulled apart instantly, right when a familiar blond Chenle entered the room, a horrified expression on his face.

Renjun jumped to his feet as fast as he could without becoming dizzy and falling over, Jaemin copied his actions.

He waited for Chenle to throw a questionable gaze at him or ask him what the hell he was doing here with Jaemin, but instead, his younger friend started screaming.

“ I just made out with Jisung  _ fucking _ Park!”

  
  


***

  
  


“ Do you mind?” Renjun tonelessly asked the couple that was currently eating each other's faces against the fridge in Jeno's kitchen.

The two girls didn't even look at him when they moved to the side and continued what they were doing as if they weren't in another person's house. Renjun sighed as he opened the fridge and took the milk carton without thinking twice.

He quickly left the house, catching up with Chenle who had already left and was waiting for him at the sidewalk.

After his young friend had broken up whatever was currently in the process of happening between Jaemin and him, Renjun decided it was about time they both go home. So he told Chenle to wait outside for him because he had to pick something up real quick.

They didn't start talking right away. Only when they had completely left the property, Chenle cleared his throat. “What do you have there?” he asked, his voice way to high even for him, whilst pointing at the milk in Renjun's hand.

“ Milk.”

“ Oh, okay.”

Renjun could feel Chenle almost bursting, despite how chill he acted, so he wasn't surprised when the words started flowing out of his mouth not even a minute later.

“ Hyung, I really don't know what was wrong with me, I didn't even drink that much. At least I think I didn't... Anyway, I was just dancing and then Jisung showed up and we danced together and danced and danced and we got closer and closer and then-”

“ You kissed.” Renjun ended with a knowing grin to make Chenle feel more comfortable, but he didn't return his smile. Chenle just nodded, not even trying to hide the worry and nervousness plastered onto his face.

Renjun put his arm over his friend's shoulder and held him closer. He didn't know the time but considering the lack of lights in the houses around them, it must've been pretty late. The air was cold and breathing it in had a refreshing effect on Renjun's brain, which desperately needed to sober up and think about what happened earlier, but his friend was more important right now.

“ Hey, there's no need to be nervous or ashamed, Chenle. That was your first kiss, right?”

“ Yes,” he said, still looking down as if he was afraid to be judged.

“ And you liked it, didn't you?” Renjun asked softly.

Chenle finally looked at him for the first time since they left Jeno's house. “Yes.”

“ Well, then I don't know what you're so worried about.”

“ But, I'm just so... confused,” Chenle whined.

“ You mean because Jisung is a boy?”

Chenle nodded sadly, looking down on his feet again, but Renjun smiled as brightly as he could manage. “Oh Chenle, that's no reason to be scared. Do you like him?”

He shrugged, “I don't know... I always thought of him as a friend, but when he- when  _ we _ kissed, I felt this weird sensation in my stomach almost as if I had to throw up, but like... in a good way.”

Renjun nodded, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“ By the way, what the fuck was that between Jaemin and you?” he asked, suddenly sounding a lot more like himself, now that they weren't talking about him anymore.

Rejun started chewing on his lip recklessly.

“ You like him, don't you?”

Renjun cringed at that question and sighed. “I don't want to like him,” he confessed and kicked a pebble that they walked by.

“ Does this have anything to do with why you fought?”

He refrained from looking at Chenle, too scared that he'd be able to read the fucking mess of emotions that was going on inside him, off his face.

“ I don't want to talk about it,” he said. “Not now. Not tonight. I have to figure things out on my own first.”

Chenle nodded sympathetically and threw his arm around Renjun's waist, who still had an arm around his shoulder.

“ Then, let's talk about it whenever you're ready.”

  
  


***

  
  


Renjun didn't spend even one more minute trying to figure things out that night.

The moment he arrived at home, he put the milk into the fridge and fell into bed, too exhausted to even try thinking about his feelings for Jaemin. All the energy he had left went into peeling off his jeans, and that was it.

  
  


Renjun couldn't really tell what woke him up when he opened his eyes the next morning.

That was, until he realized that someone was ringing the doorbell.

He waited a little bit to hear if his parents were going to open the door, but the only thing he could make out from downstairs was the continuous ringing at the door. He groaned loudly, as he freed his body from his blanket, and tried to not open his eyes, so he wouldn't get too used to the light and he could go back to sleep immediately after telling whoever was at the door to fuck off.

He only tripped twice on his way down.

Renjun opened the door without looking through the peephole and squinted because of the bright sunlight warming up his face.

But then he recognized the person standing in front of him.

“ Jaemin? What the fuck are you doing here?” he asked, rubbing his eyes to see better.

Jaemin shrugged, shifting from one foot to the other. “You told me to just come to your house.”

“ I did  _ what _ ?”

“ You told me on Thursday to come to your house today to choose a song and practice,” he explained as if it was self-explanatory.

Well, considering Renjun really did say that, it  _ was _ pretty self-explanatory.

Renjun facepalmed himself when he recalled the conversation, he completely forgot until right now. After what happened last night, he wouldn't have expected him to show up here anyway. Or he would've  _ hoped _ because he still really hadn't figured out his feelings yet.

But he knew that slamming the door in his face was not an option, so he reluctantly opened it to let Jaemin in. “Okay, you can come in.”

Renjun's eyes had finally gotten used to light and he eyed down the boy in front of him as discreetly as possible, as he walked past him and slipped out of his shoes. Jaemin was wearing white skinny jeans and a pink patterned shirt, which, Renjun had to admit, looked extremely good on him.

Jaemin's next words pulled him out of his thoughts. “Did you just wake up?” he asked, seemingly amused about something.

Renjun sighed as he closed the door and led the other boy upstairs. “Is it that obvious?”

He was still pissed that his plan to go back to sleep immediately after opening the door was ruined, but tried his best to hide it.

“ Well... you're not wearing pants.”

Renjun froze in the middle of walking up the stairs. He was too scared to look down on his legs, but he finally noticed the coldness he felt around his legs the whole time was not because of the removed blanket.

Did he seriously open the door for Na Jaemin in nothing but his boxers and a t-shirt?

_ Yes, he just did. _ And he also became aware of the fact that he was currently walking up the stairs, in front of him...

His cheeks got so red and hot, he probably looked like he had the ugliest sunburn. Extremely embarrassed by his stupidity, he quickly went into his room, closed the door, and put on a pair of sweatpants he found on the floor next to his bed in record time.

After making sure he wasn't half-naked anymore, he opened the door to his room again and Jaemin, who had waited patiently, came in as if nothing had happened.

_ Thank god, he didn't say anything _ , Renjun thought.

He still wanted the floor to eat him whole.


	7. Chapter 7

Ever since Jaemin came over, they barely said a word to each other.

For the past hour, they've basically just been in Renjun's room, both on their phones, looking for songs. Renjun, who was sitting on his bed, kept throwing glances at the other boy sitting on his chair, but he didn't seem to notice.

Jaemin showed no sign of acknowledging Renjun's subtle attempts to make him return his gaze and just kept staring at his phone.

Renjun, on the contrary, wasn't as determent in searching a song for them to sing, instead, he was just scrolling through a youtube playlist of his favorite dance covers, which was no help at all.

It was really just to keep his hands busy somehow whilst figuring out why his body was going crazy. His hands were sweating and he kept fidgeting, changing the position he was sitting in multiple times but not finding even one that was to some extent comfortable.

Something was bothering him, but he didn't know  _ what _ .

“ How about a song by James Arthur? Didn't we almost cover one of his songs? It was the one you liked so much, but I don't remember the name.” Jaemin finally looked up to his friend, who didn't notice right away because he was so caught up in his own thoughts.

“ Sorry, what did you say?” Renjun asked softly when he finally noticed Jaemin's gaze on him.

Jaemin sighed annoyed, “Renjun, we really need to choose a song. It never took us this long to-”

“ What was that last night?”

Renjun shocked himself by asking this question all of a sudden but was relieved at the same time because he realized that that's what had been bothering him so much.

_ Why didn't he say anything? _

“ What do you mean?”

Renjun laughed at that.  _ Of course, he was acting oblivious again, that asshole. _

“ What I mean? You were there for fuck's sake!” he shouted, not convinced by Jaemin's stupid behavior.

But instead of answering his question, Jaemin just shook his head and turned back to his phone. “I have no idea what you're talking about.”

Renjun couldn't believe it. “You're doing it  _ again _ !” he cried out and jumped up to his feet.

Jaemin gawked at him, surprised by his sudden blow-up, but Renjun knew him too well to fall for his dumb act. He knew Jaemin wasn't that fucking ignorant to not get what he was talking about.

“ You're acting just like last year! You're avoiding everything slightly uncomfortable without addressing it even once. But guess what Na Jaemin, life doesn't work like that! You can't just ignore what happened! You're not the only one involved in this!”

Jaemin rocketed out of his chair and Renjun gulped at his friend's height. He always liked the way Jaemin was a few centimeters taller than him, it made him feel comfortable, but in this case, it intimidated him.

“ Go ahead then!” Jaemin yelled. “Go ahead and tell me  _ what _ happened because I don't know either!”

Renjun took a deep breath, gathering all his courage. “If Chenle didn't barge in we would've kissed!” He hated how desperate his voice sounded and felt his cheeks burning up again, but didn't stop glaring at the taller boy, eyes flashing with anger. “And you know that, don't act like you're dumber than you actually are.”

“ I really don't get you, Renjun. At first, you're telling me our kiss a year ago was what hurt you more than your girlfriend cheating on you, and now...” Jaemin ran a hand through his hair, sighing as he got more frustrated by the second. “I thought that's what you wanted me to do.”

Renjun frowned. “What? You thought I wanted you to ignore what happened?”

“ I thought you didn't want me to bring it up,” Jaemin said as he averted his gaze from the other boy in shame.

At this point, Renjun had lost all hope in understanding this muddled up mess that was Jaemin's common sense. “Why the fuck would I want that? Of course, I want to talk about it, I'm not into dodging every single little problem, like you.”

“ But why?”

He was a little shocked by how soft and gentle Jaemin's voice sounded as if all the frustration that had been building up inside him was gone and he was just calmly waiting for Renjun's answer.

“ What do you mean  _ why _ ?” Renjun asked confused, but Jaemin just laughed at that.

“ Now  _ you _ are acting dumber than you actually are.”

He took a step closer to Renjun, whose instinct told him to back away, but he refused.

“ The only reason I can imagine that makes you want to talk about what happened is-”

“ What?” Renjun cut him off, raising his head a little to look at Jaemin challengingly. Jaemin looked like he had a hard time making himself say the next sentence.

“ You have feelings for me.”

  
  


***

  
  


“ I think you should go now.”

Renjun's heart was pounding so hard against his chest, it almost hurt. He would've been worried if his mind wasn't busy thinking about one single word he really wanted to say, over and over again:  _ Fuck _ .

He was aware of how obvious his reaction must've been but he couldn't care less right now. He needed to breathe.

Jaemin just shook his head, disappointed. “Who's running away now...”

He walked out without saying another word. Renjun stood there frozen until he heard the slamming of the door downstairs and let himself fall on his bed.

On the one hand, it sucked they couldn't make it longer than one hour without fighting, shouting and one of them storming off, but on the other hand, Renjun was glad it gave him at least a little bit of closure.

He didn't want to cry, he was so sick of crying all the time and racking his brain about things he didn't even understand.

Renjun reached behind himself to pick up his phone and dial his favorite number in the world. It rang three times until he heard Chenle's unfailingly cheery voice.

“ Hey, hyung! What's up?”

“ I think I'm finally ready to talk about everything.”

  
  


His best friend didn't disappoint when he showed up at his house not even five minutes later. Chenle would drop everything if Renjun needed him, but he was so fast that even he was surprised.

“ How the hell did you come here so fast? Normally it takes you at least fifteen minutes...”

Chenle shrugged, then followed Renjun into the kitchen, where he was busy preparing two cups of hot chocolate before the other rang the doorbell. “I wasn't at home when you called me,” Chenle explained and sat down on the kitchen counter, reaching for one of the steaming cups of chocolaty goodness, but Renjun slapped his hand away.

“ It's not ready yet,” he mumbled and opened the fridge to get some whipped cream. An excited little “Oh” left the younger boy's mouth, which made Renjun smile.

He added a generous amount of cream to both cups and indicated Chenle with a nod that he was finally allowed to take one. Chenle didn't wait long and took a big gulp right away. Renjun giggled at the white mustache that was now gracing his friend's face and handed him a paper towel.

“ Thank you,” Renjun said out of nowhere, which made the younger frown.

“ What are you thanking me for, hyung?”

“ You're always there for me and making me smile no matter how upset I am... Thank you for that.”

Chenle smiled at him brightly and took another sip from his mug.

“ So.” Chenle crossed his legs to make himself more comfortable on the kitchen counter. “Go ahead and spill some tea.”

  
  


“ He did  _ what _ ?”

Renjun just nodded and put away his now empty mug into the dishwasher. He was sitting on the counter opposite Chenle because his legs started to hurt after an hour of talking about what happened one year ago, standing up.

He had told him everything, and it felt better than he could've ever imagined.

Just the thought of letting somebody in on what happened had always made him feel embarrassed and uncomfortable, but now, having finally done that, he realized the true reason behind it.

He was scared he would be asked about the kiss, and why it bothered him so much, why he was willing to forgive Eunha maybe too fast whilst holding a grudge on his best friend for literally a year.

“ He kissed me,” Renjun continued. “And that baffled me so much because, in that moment, I noticed that there was something... something more than just friendship.”

He started biting his lip until he tasted blood, feeling slightly overwhelmed with actually saying all of these things out loud for the very first time, but he didn't want to stop now and possibly never find the courage again.

“ That night was like hell for me because I was so incredibly confused. Did he kiss me because he has feelings for me? Or maybe it was just a sick attempt to make up for cheating with my girlfriend? Or was he really just too drunk? I didn't know what his intentions were and he  _ did _ kiss my girlfriend after all so...”

Chenle, who after finishing his hot chocolate moved onto the can of whipped cream and was now spraying it directly into his mouth, shook his head in disbelief. “I can't believe Jaemin managed to fuck up this badly.”

Renjun sighed and motioned for his best friend to toss him the spray can.

“ So, the reason you were so devastated was because of lovesickness?” Chenle asked whilst the older dumped a big splash of cream into his mouth.

“ I don't really know if you can call it  _ lovesickness _ . My immediate reaction was to just forget about the whole thing and move on, but when he wasn't reachable the next day I was convinced he regretted it so much that he decided to avoid me completely.”

He jumped off the kitchen counter to get himself something to drink, the extreme sweetness of the whipped cream had left a disgusting after taste in his mouth. “At that point, I didn't know yet that Jaemin was already on his way out of town. I only found out on Monday when he didn't show up at school and no-one knew what was going on.”

Renjun filled two glasses with fresh water out of the fridge and handed one of them to Chenle, who threw him a thankful look. Instead of sitting on the countertop again, Renjun just leaned against it, crossing his legs.

“ I went to his house that day and his mother told me he was gone. She didn't know that Jaemin hadn't told anybody and was especially surprised to see that  _ I _ was completely clueless.”

Chenle's eyes widened. “My mom would never allow me to just leave town spontaneously like that.”

“ Jaemin's parents are separated and I'm guessing he just went to live with his dad. I've only met him once and he seems to be that kind of dad that would dress his son to look younger so that he didn't have to pay a fee for him at the cinema.”

“ So, a cool dad,” Chenle chuckled.

Renjun couldn't hold back a smile himself. “Yeah, a cool dad.”

They stayed quiet for a moment. Chenle taking in what he had just learned, and Renjun just enjoying the comfortable silence.

“ What are you going to do now?” Chenle carefully asked. “You have feelings for him, but don't know if he reciprocates those feelings, right?”

“ Pretty much.”

“ Well, maybe you should simply ask him if he likes you that way? Just an idea.”

Renjun raised his eyebrows at him. “I can't just do that, what if he doesn't like me back?”

“ Then that's just the way it is, hyung. No matter how long you're avoiding this subject, it's not gonna change his feelings for you. But maybe it turns out that he likes you back, which is my personal guess, and you two could... you know.”

The older buried his face in his hands out of frustration.

“ I hate it when you're right.”

  
  


***

  
  


Renjun squeezed his hands into fists repeatedly in an attempt to get rid of the immense anxiety building up in his chest, as he entered the school building the next day.

He still didn't know what to do. Chenle was right that he should confront Jaemin, but Renjun still didn't feel quite ready yet.

When his blond friend asked him about it during lunch, he just simply said he couldn't find him, although it was obvious to both of them that that was a lie. The only reason he looked out for Jaemin was so he could keep out of his way.

“ We have our first rehearsal with Mr.Choi later today, I'll see him then.”

Renjun tried to make it sound like he was more than fine with that when in reality he was close to screaming like a banshee.

“ Oh, really? So, have you finally chosen a song?”

Renjun shook his head with a pained expression on his face. Chenle seemed to be both worried and amused. “Mr.Choi is going to be  _ pissed _ .”

Chenle shouted out an “Ow!” when the flash of pain caused by the older's hand on his upper arm hit him. Renjun thought he should've punched him even harder.

“ Don't you think I'm already worried enough? Let's hope he won't punish us by not letting us perform because of our lack of professionalism.”

  
  


Renjun tried to not let his panic show as he walked into the intimidating room in which his teacher and Jaemin were already waiting for him. He greeted them with a voice, slightly higher than normal and position himself next to the other boy.

“ Okay boys, what have you come up with?” Mr.Choi asked, sitting down on the stool placed in the front of the wooden stage.

Renjun, who got more nervous by the second, didn't know what to say. If they admit to not having chosen a song over the weekend, which was more than enough time, the teacher might give the spot to someone else, but they couldn't just lie to him, could they?

Renjun couldn't stop fidgeting as he started his apology, “We're really sorry, but-”

“ We couldn't find a new song, so we decided on an older one.” Jaemin interrupted him.

The older's head wiped around and his eyes opened wide in surprise.  _ What was he on about? _

Mr.Choi seemed to be confused as well, judging by the frown on his face. “What do you mean an old song?”

Jaemin finally returned Renjun's gaze, but instead of explaining whatever he was trying to do, he just briefly raised his eyebrow as if to tell him  _ Just play along _ . Or at least he was hoping that's what he was trying to say.

The taller boy turned back to their teacher. “We picked out a song that we wanted to perform two years ago, but you rejected it because we weren't ready yet. We think that now, we can do a lot better.”

It's usually not allowed to do songs more than once, but since they never performed it...

Mr.Choi thought about it for a second, then nodded. “We can try that. What song are you referring to?”

“ _ Thinking Out Loud _ by Ed Sheeran. I remember you told us that we weren't able to emphasize the emotions in this song the last time we tried. I'm sure we won't have that problem anymore.”

Renjun felt like throwing up. It had been two whole fucking years since they last sang this song together, how on earth is Jaemin expecting them to ace this without any kind of practice. Maybe they should've just told Mr.Choi and he could've given them more time?

“ Okay,” Mr.Choi said and pointed at the guitar laying on top of a chair behind Jaemin. “Let's start then.”

The two boys sat down and Jaemin quickly tuned the guitar whilst Renjun, who still felt sick, went through the song in his head to make sure he still remembered the lyrics.

And then they started.

When Renjun heard the familiar sound of the song played by the guitar, he felt taken back to the time they performed this song in front of his teacher for the first time. Back then, Renjun hadn't even had his first kiss yet.

Those times had been so different.

And then Renjun heard Jaemin's voice singing the first few lines.

“ When your legs don't work like they used to before. And I can't sweep you off of your feet. Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love? Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?”

He was honestly startled for a brief moment, not remembering the other boy's voice being this low the last time he had heard him sing. It wasn't just lower, but overall sounded a lot more mature and grown-up.

Renjun took on the second half of the first verse, feeling surprisingly confident in singing this song even though it had been such a long time. He looked over to Jaemin, and together they sang the pre-chorus.

“ People fall in love in mysterious ways. Maybe just a touch of a hand. Well me, I fall in love with you every single day. I just wanna tell you I am...”

The way their voices still harmonized despite the fact that they both had changed a lot since they last sang together, gave Renjun goosebumps. He hoped it really did sound as good and he wasn't just imagining things.

The chorus was only Renjun again, as Jaemin's singing ability wasn't quite advanced enough for him to hit those high notes.

At least, that's what he remembered.

This time, Jaemin jumped in to sing the last line of the chorus together with him, which wasn't how they rehearsed it two years ago but Renjun thought it fit quite well. So they sang in unison, looking deeply into each other's eyes:

“ _ And maybe we found love right where we are. _ ”


	8. Chapter 8

The two boys kept throwing glances at each other during the rest of their performance. Jaemin hadn't chosen this song accidentally. He knew they would be able to deliver the emotions right this time, or that's what he had hoped anyway.

Luckily, Mr.Choi seemed to be thinking the same way. “Well done. Both of you have improved a lot, and I like your decision. In the next few weeks we'll play around with the line distribution, but apart from that, I can't complain.”

  
  


Once Mr.Choi left, Jaemin and Renjun took one look at each other and they knew, it was time for them to talk. So they sat down next to each other on the side of the stage, their legs dangling over the edge.

At first, they didn't say anything, but Jaemin couldn't stand the silence any longer. “I guess we have a lot to talk about.”

Renjun snorted at his word choice. “Why don't you start then?”

Jaemin's eyes widened. “What? Why  _ me _ ?”

“ Because you started this whole thing.”

Jaemin couldn't argue with that so he just complied. “Okay, so... I'm going to try to explain everything that happened from my point of view, although I myself still don't understand a lot of it.”

Jaemin was stunned by the smaller boy next to him once more when he took Jaemin's hand in his own and squeezed it. “It's okay, Jaemin. I've already forgiven you.”

“ Are you sure?” Now it was Jaemin's turn to take Renjun's hand, softly caressing it as if it was made of glass. “I know how much I've hurt you and I'm so sorry... I think the reason I did all of those things that night at the party, was that I was jealous.”

Renjun frowned, and Jaemin realized how much he loved it when the smaller boy smiles because he missed that right now. “ _ Jealous _ ? Of Eunha?”

Jaemin didn't look up from his hand that was still playing with Renjun's. He could feel his own heartbeat in his throat, knowing what he was about to say and that he couldn't take it back once it left his lips. “She is nice, pretty and... well, she is a  _ girl _ .”

Renjun seemed to not really know how to respond to that and so he kept quiet. Jaemin contemplated if he should go on, but seeing as he had already said this much, there was nothing more to lose. “For a long time, I didn't know what these feelings meant, but during that one time we performed  _ Perfect _ by Ed Sheeran during that one showcase, things started making sense...”

“ Why didn't you talk to me about it?” Renjun breathed.

“ What was I supposed to say? Hey best friend, sorry but I'm jealous of your girlfriend because I like you.”

He noticed how Renjun's hand had gotten sweaty in his palm, or maybe it was his own, he couldn't tell. His heart was beating so fast he could hear the blood rushing through his ears, making him a little dizzy.

“ Either way, I suppressed my feelings to not screw up our friendship and your relationship.” He couldn't help but chuckle at that, “And in the end, that's exactly what I did.”

That was it.

Jaemin revealed everything and now he waited for a reaction, hopefully, a good one. Of course, he had made some assumptions based on Renjun's behavior in the past week, but he didn't want to count on that.

He flinched when Renjun suddenly cleared his throat. “I don't ever want to talk about what happened again... never. I've forgiven Eunha, I've forgiven you, it's okay. I only want to think about the present.”

Renjun pulled his hand out of Jaemin's grip, and first, he thought it was because Renjun felt uncomfortable, but his worries flew out of the window when he felt the older boy grabbing his arm to pull him closer.

Their faces were so close, would he really-

His thoughts were interrupted by a pair of soft lips on Jaemin's own.

Butterflies in his stomach were doing summersaults, that's how he would describe what was going on inside of him at that moment. His heart rate increased even more, shouldn't that be alarming? But why did it feel so good at the same time? And how could Renjun's lips possibly be that soft?

A realization hit him and he drew back in embarrassment. “What's wrong?” Renjun whispered, fingers reaching for his own lips in worry he did something wrong.

“ I forgot to use chapstick, I bet my lips are dry as fuck.” Jaemin couldn't hold himself from straight out speaking his mind in this situation. Being so close and intimate with the other boy influenced his way of acting.

Renjun rolled his eyes at him as he reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a pink colored stick. A chapstick.

He removed the cap and leaned forward to apply it gently to Jaemin's lips.

Jaemin smirked when he noticed the flavor. “Your lips taste like this.”

Renjun's cheeks burned up and he avoided his eyes whilst putting away the lip balm. Jaemin was about to say something about how cute and amazing the older boy was, but in all honesty, he didn't want to talk. He just wanted to do one thing.

He cupped Renjun's face so that he had to return his loving gaze. After a moment of appreciating each other's beautiful eyes, their lips met again.

Jaemin decided that strawberry was now his favorite flavor in the world.

  
  


***

  
  


That same afternoon, Jaemin dragged Renjun to his house, body overwhelmed by feelings he had never experienced before. It was a mixture of pure joy and anxiety, but it felt amazing.

Jaemin holding his hand felt amazing.

Mrs.Na didn't say anything and only gave them a slightly weirded out look when they rushed down the hallway into Jaemin's room as soon as they arrived, hands still intertwined.

She did, however, seem like she was happy to see them having worked out whatever was going wrong between them.

Renjun let out an excited little giggle when they finally got to Jaemin's room and closed the door behind them.

It hadn't changed at all. Maybe it was because Jaemin didn't even live here for the past year, but somehow he still thought it would look different.

Jaemin threw him the most beautiful smile and they didn't even have to exchange words to know what they were going to do now. It was just like the old times. They acted according to a routine they established so many years ago, but everything still came so naturally to them. It was truly amazing.

Renjun closed the curtains and got some extra pillows from Jaemin's closet to arrange them on his rather small bed, whilst Jaemin snatched the remote and turned on the TV attached to the opposite wall.

They threw themselves on the bed and nestled in next to each other.

Usually, Renjun would scroll through his social media when Jaemin looked through the different channels to find something appropriate to watch, but this time was different. He couldn't care less about his phone at that moment, instead, he observed the other boy's features.

Jaemin had the most stunning side-profile, that even back then, Renjun had always admired, but somehow it looked even more beautiful today. Maybe because of that smitten and content look, that Renjun for sure had on his face too.

“ You know I can tell that you're staring at me, right?” Jaemin teased, putting the remote on the side. He glanced back at him and Renjun's heart missed a beat.

“ You're really handsome,” Renjun breathed out.

“ You too.”

The smile on Renjun's face was only growing wider and he snuggled up to the other boy.

“ What even is that?” Renjun asked amused when he looked at the TV for the first time to see what channel Jaemin settled on. It was a documentary about king penguins.

“ Oh, sorry,” he mumbled and quickly picked up the remote again. “I stopped paying attention to what I was doing as soon as I saw you staring at me.”

Renjun sighed, “You're going to kill me, Na Jaemin.”

He could feel his laughter even before hearing it because his head was laying on Jaemin's chest, which was going up and down in the rhythm of his laughing.

“ I would never do such a thing.”

“ Not on purpose at least...”

  
  


It turned dark a while ago when Renjun sat up straight on the bed to look at Jaemin with a rather serious expression. The other boy's attention left the tv as soon as Renjun had started moving.

“ What's wrong?” he wondered and his hands found Renjun's almost instantly. Renjun loved that because the feeling of Jaemin's soft fingers running over the back of his hands was something he never knew he needed, but now that he had experienced it, he never wanted to miss.

“ What's that between us? Are we together or something else?”

Renjun didn't want to go into this blind. If he decided to get involved with Jaemin in that way, he had to be sure his intentions were genuine. He didn't want to be disappointed again.

Jaemin inched closer without dodging the others gaze even once. “I want this. I want you.”

“ But what does that mean?”

Renjun wanted to know if Jaemin thought the same way if he felt the same way about what their relationship should be like.

Jaemin looked away for a brief second, but as soon as their eyes locked again, he said in a strong and confident voice: “I want to be your boyfriend.”

Renjun's heart stopped for one moment and then continued to beat rapidly right after, all in the span of two seconds. Jaemin seemed to be suffering from a similar sensation because he was holding his breath.

“ I want that too,” Renjun finally said but his voice wasn't nearly as strong as Jaemin's.

“ Okay.”

“ Okay.”

And then Renjun kissed his boyfriend. Because now he could whenever he wanted to.

  
  


***

  
  


School was difficult the next day. Jaemin struggled really hard to keep himself from embracing and kissing his boyfriend every two seconds.

They had decided to not go all out on their first day as a couple because they didn't want to hit everyone in the face with their relationship. Another thing was their parents, who didn't even know about their sons being anything but straight. They had to tell them first, before all those other people at school, whose opinions really didn't matter to them.

Everyone noticed that  _ something _ had changed between them though. “So, are you two friends again?” was a question they got about twenty times just before their first class because they basically didn't leave each other's side ever since arriving at school. Whenever they answered with “Yes”, Jaemin cringed.

He wanted to tell everyone that Renjun was his  _ boyfriend _ , he wanted to  _ show _ them. But after talking to him about it, they decided that it was the best to come out as friends first. Admittedly, it was more Renjun's idea than his, but he respected his request.

They were currently standing in front of Renjun's locker, accompanied by Chenle who was the only person who knew about them.

Jaemin liked Chenle, he really did. He was such a good friend to Renjun and didn't seem to mind Jaemin dating his best friend now, even after all the trouble he had caused him.

“ What are you going to do now?” Chenle asked the two older boys.

“ We're going to keep it a secret for now. Just a few days, until we talked to our parents.” Renjun explained as he stowed away his maths textbook into his locker.

Chenle nodded. “Sounds good. I'm really happy for you two, by the way,” he added with a big smile.

“ Thank you, Chenle,” Jaemin said feeling truly grateful for his support.

The blond boy was about to say something, but his gaze averted to something on the other end of the hallway. Jaemin turned to see what he was looking at, but he could only make out a bunch of students.

“ Err, so, I have to go now, actually. See you!” And off he was, running in the direction he was still looking at. Jaemin looked back at Renjun, who was just shrugging at him.

“ Don't ask, I have no idea what this was about.”

At that same moment, the bell rang and the hallway cleared. Jaemin leaned forward to whisper something into Renjun's ear, whose back was facing him. “Wait a little bit.”

Jaemin saw his boyfriend's breath hitching and smiled to himself. Luckily, it wasn't long until all the other students were off to their first class, leaving the two boys alone.

As soon as he saw the last group of girls go around the corner, he gently grabbed Renjun's shoulders, turned him around, and pushed him against the still opened locker. He inched closer and closer until their faces were right in front of each other and Jaemin could feel his boyfriend's breath on his lips.

“ W-What are you doing?” Renjun asked, his voice amusingly high, but eyes never leaving the taller boy's lips, whose body was pressing against his.

“ I  _ hate _ it.”

Now, Renjun managed to tear away his gaze from Jaemin's lips to look into his eyes instead. “What do you mean?”

Jaemin sighed. “I hate not being able to kiss you in public and having to keep this a secret, keep  _ us _ a secret.”

Renjun laughed deviously at that. “Isn't that good practice for your self-control?”

“ _ I _ can control myself, I'm just worried about  _ you _ ...” Jaemin murmured, tenderly stroking Renjun's arms, who looked at him offended.

“ Are you kidding me? I could go a whole year without kissing, no problem.”

Jaemin raised his eyebrows challengingly. “And do you want that?”

Renjun's look in his eyes was worth a thousand words. Jaemin saw a mixture of desire, affection, and restraint. He wanted to tell him how fucking cute he was, but before he could open his mouth, Renjun looped a hand around his neck, pulling him down to connect their lips.

Jaemin would never get enough of Renjun's kisses. The thought of not feeling this spark, tingling and want when kissing him, was straight up unrealistic to Jaemin.

At that moment, Renjun's body felt so fragile and small in his arms, but the way he pressed his lips onto his so passionately, reminded Jaemin of how strong he really was. He wasn't holding back anymore, which he blamed on the locker door, that was acting as a shield, to keep unwanted eyes from observing them being so intimate with each other.

Jaemin was going crazy by Renjun's beautiful lips, his hands on his neck, drawing small circles in the skins or pulling on little strains of hair.

And then, there was a noise.

The two boys separated and looked around instantly to see what caused it. Jaemin only noticed long black hair and a blue dress disappearing around the corner, that was it.

For a second, he considered running after what he guessed was a girl, but what was he supposed to say? So he just stayed where he was, and turned back to face his boyfriend, who was now alarmingly pale.

“ Are you okay, Renjun?”

Renjun nodded but didn't even try hard to look convincing as he closed his locker, gulping visibly.

“ What are we going to do now?” Jaemin asked him while they were starting to walk to their first class.

Renjun froze for a moment as he answered in an absent voice. “We need to talk to our parents. Whoever just saw us, could already be spreading rumors and then it won't be long until everyone knows.”

Jaemin agreed with him. “Who are we going to talk to first?”

“ I don't know, I wish we didn't have to tell anyone to be honest, but I know how disappointed my parents can be when they find out such things from other people.”

“ Such things?”

Renjun sighed. “Things that could potentially ruin their reputation.”

  
  


***

  
  


“ I'm scared,” Renjun said, holding Jaemin's hand even tighter.

They were standing in front of his front door, something that seemed so familiar and normal, but today it was different. He didn't know what was going to happen, how his parents were going to react.

It seemed strange how Renjun really didn't know what to expect, despite the fact they were his parents and he had lived with them all his life. It was almost as if he didn't even know them.

The two boys just came from Jaemin's house, where they told his parents about their relationship. They weren't even surprised because according to them, they had already expected the two to end up together at some point. His mother even said she knew they were more than friends, all along.

Their reaction probably should've made Renjun feel better, but he was even more nervous now. He didn't want his parents to be a problem in his relationship with Jaemin, and the other way round. All he wanted was for everyone to be happy and at peace with each other.

Jaemin leaned forward to press the doorbell and pulled his boyfriend out of his thoughts. “Don't worry, it'll be fine. Your parents like me,” Jaemin joked in an attempt to cheer him up. It didn't really work.

Renjun took a deep breath. “But I don't know if they're going to like  _ me _ anymore...”

The taller boy turned to face him, most likely to comfort him, but at the same moment, the door in front of them opened, revealing his mother.

“ Ah, Jaemin! What a nice surprise.” Renjun hadn't told his parents about bringing Jaemin to lunch today.

“ Sorry mom, I should've told you beforehand but this was all a little bit last minute-”

“ Oh, that's no problem. You know, I always cook too much for us three anyway,” his mom explained seeming like she really didn't mind the unexpected guest. Renjun didn't know if she could sense that there was something going on, but if she did, she didn't let it show.

They entered the house, following after Mrs.Huang directly into the living room where her husband was already sitting at the lunch table and drinking his tea. “Honey, we have a guest,” she announced as she walked through the room to get to the adjoining kitchen to pick up another set of tableware and check on the food.

“ Ah Jaemin,” Mr.Huang said, putting away his laptop on which he had been answering emails like always. “Haven't seen you in a while.”

“ Hello Mr.Huang,” Jaemin greeted him politely, bowing extra low.

“ Sit down boys,” Renjun's mom ordered as she pointed to the two empty chairs right next to each other, one of them being Renjun's typical seat.

The first few minutes, they ate in complete silence. His parents didn't usually talk a lot during their meals, instead, they just enjoyed his mother's deliciously cooked food after vaguely catching up on each other's lives.

“ So Jaemin, where were you last year?” It was a legitimate question by his dad and he probably just wanted to start a conversation somehow, but in Renjun's ears, it kind of sounded like a disguised accusation.

Jaemin seemed to have noticed how Renjun tensed up because he put his hand on his boyfriend's thigh, squeezing it to assure him he was fine with the question. “I transferred schools, that's why I was gone. The pressure just got too much and my parents gave me permission to take a break in a less stressful environment.”

Renjun's parents nodded understandingly. “And you two made up?” his mom asked smiling.

His voice faltered, but Renjun finally decided to speak up.

“ Actually,” he started and stood up from his chair, all eyes following his movement, “I have to tell you something.”

They must've noticed that it was about something serious because the smile on their faces had disappeared without a trace. That was more than uncommon, seeing as in front of other people they had to smile brightly at all times.

“ What have you done?” his dad asked and Renjun's heart was about to jump out of his chest.

“ I didn't do anything bad, but I'm still worried you're not going to like what I have to say,” he admitted and finally found the courage to look them in the eyes, first his mom, then his dad.

“ Jaemin isn't just my friend, he's my  _ boyfriend _ now.”

Silence.

One whole minute of complete and utter silence, before his dad cleared his throat. “Well, that's unexpected,” he said and picked up another bite of food with his fork to put into his mouth.

“ I thought you did something terrible, Renjun.” His mother sounded incredibly relieved and her husband agreed.

Jaemin and Renjun looked at each other, confusion prominent in both of their faces. “Does that mean... you're okay with that?” he asked carefully.

“ Oh son, we're not that old-fashioned,” Mrs.Huang joked and also continued to eat her lunch. “Didn't your colleague's son out himself recently?” she asked her husband. “What was his name again? Jungwoo?”

Mr.Huang nodded, not showing any kind of disgust or dislike by the fact that someone was gay.

“ So, you're sure you don't have a problem with it?” Renjun asked yet again, still not fully convinced.

His mother laughed at that. “Even if we did have a problem with it, would that keep you from dating guys?”

Renjun shook his head, looking down on his plate full of food he had barely touched. “I just didn't think it would be this easy...”

A warm hand embraced his own and suddenly the realization, that everything would really be okay, hit him hard. He returned Jaemin's gaze and finally found it in him to smile.

Now they didn't have to hold back anymore.


	9. Chapter 9

The next morning was one thing and one thing only:  _ absolutely crazy _ .

After they dared to kiss in front of everyone else in the hallway, there was excited screaming and shocked faces all around. Teachers came rushing out of the classrooms to make sure there was no fighting going on.

Instead of bullying or insulting them, most students congratulated them and seemed to be overall accepting of their relationship, which made both boys incredibly happy. There were even some girls who said they had always  _ shipped _ them, which, according to Renjun, was a compliment. Jaemin wouldn't know.

The news had spread faster than they initially thought, even the teachers found out before lunch break. Some of them threw them dirty looks when they saw them walking down the hallway, but others just smiled at them. Jaemin imagined they were proud.

All in all, they couldn't really complain.

On this particular day, they had (luckily) gotten a free period to rehearse for the showcase this weekend, because whenever they practiced during break, there were always a bunch of girls watching them.

Most importantly, that meant they didn't have to hold back from sharing kisses here and there.

They were in the middle of singing the second chorus when they were interrupted by a clearing of a throat, coming from the other end of the otherwise empty classroom they were using to practice in.

Jaemin put down his guitar as they turned around to find a girl standing there, staring at her shoes nervously and playing with her hands.

The moment she raised her head to look at them, Jaemin recognized her. “Wait, aren't you the one who...”

A frown spread on Renjun's face as he faced his boyfriend. “You know her?”

It took Jaemin a second, but then it hit him. Of course! She was the girl who showed him the recording of Renjun talking about not wanting to see him. He completely forgot about that and wasn't sure if he had even told Renjun about what happened.

But for some reason, maybe it had to do with the uncomfortable stance of the girl and the fact that he wasn't really angry at her in any way, he didn't want to reveal her past actions to Renjun. Not right now at least.

He wanted to see what she had to say first.

“ I'm the one who saw you two yesterday... in the hallway.”

Renjun's cheeks turned red immediately and Jaemin had to restrain himself from cooing over the cute boy and how quickly he got flustered. The fact that someone saw them when they were letting loose was probably low key embarrassing to him, not mentioning the kiss they shared this morning in front of a bunch of strangers.

Jaemin wasn't offended by that though, he always found that to be more adorable than anything else.

“ I'm sorry, I didn't want to watch you or anything, I'm not like that. It was an accident,” she explained herself and Jaemin could tell right away that she was being genuine.

“ No problem,” Renjun said, apparently also realizing that she didn't have any bad intentions, and threw her a friendly smile.

She smiled back but stayed put. “I also want to apologize for what I did when you came back, Jaemin. I don't know why I did it, I only realized what a bitchy move that was after I did it.”

Jaemin noticed the bewildered side look Renjun threw him but only mouthed the words  _ I will tell you later _ before he turned back to the girl. “It's fine, We're not angry at you. We all mess up sometimes, trust me, I know that feeling.”

She seemed to be a lot less tense after hearing that, and the smile on her face grew wider.

“ I only have one question,” Renjun announced and all the attention was on him. “Why didn't you tell anyone?”

It took her a moment to figure out what exactly he was implying. “First of all, it was a private moment between you two that was never meant for my eyes to see, and I learned that you're not supposed to get involved in other people's business.”

She hesitated at first but then continued. “And also, I wanted to see if you were going to out yourselves.”

Jaemin laughed at that, a not mean but simply shocked laugh. “And why is that?”

The girl looked anywhere but into the two boy's direction, wrapping her arms around herself, seemingly nervous to say what was on her mind. “I... I just wanted to see if you were brave enough. Because I wasn't...”

Renjun's eyes widened and Jaemin choked on his own spit, how embarrassing. “Does that mean you...”, Jaemin started but wanted her to finish the sentence just to make sure he wasn't interpreting things wrong.

The girl, who was so nervous and tense in the beginning, became more and more comfortable by the second, especially after telling them what seemed to be one of her biggest secrets.

“ I hooked up with this girl a few times and when she wanted to make things official, I backed out because I was too much of a coward to tell people about... well, about my sexuality. I didn't know anyone else who wasn't straight, so I couldn't say how my family and friends would react. And when I saw you two, I thought that if you two were brave enough to out yourself in front of everyone else, then maybe I can do it too.”

Jaemin didn't know what to say at first. He had never thought about the fact that Renjun and he were the first students to officially come out at their school, even though he knew for a fact that there were a few others like them, hiding their true selves.

“ You should do it,” Renjun broke the silence with a surprisingly strong voice. “My parents are really strict and I was convinced they were going to hate me and disown me. Turns out, they didn't actually have a problem with it whatsoever. I'm sure your family and friends love you, they wouldn't drop you because of this, at least, people who truly care about you won't.”

For a brief moment, she just starred at Renjun and probably processed all he just said. Jaemin had to say it was a piece of good advice, and couldn't help but feel proud of his boyfriend. Then she smiled brightly as if they just made her biggest wish come true.

“ Thank you, Renjun. That actually helped me a lot.”

The two boys were grinning now as well, finding happiness in helping the girl out, who seemed to have changed a lot for the better.

She suddenly flinched as if she remembered something really important. “Oh my god, I need to go back to class!”

“ Wait a second!”, Jaemin called after her before she slipped out of the door completely. “What's your name by the way?”

She looked back over her shoulder, still grinning which made her face shine in a beautiful way. “I am Soojin!”

And then she was gone, leaving the two still slightly bewildered boys behind. “You encouraged her to do the right thing,” Jaemin stated and made Renjun look at him.

“ Hopefully this ends well for her, if not it's my fault.”

Jaemin couldn't help but laugh at the way his face scrunched up cutely whenever he was worried and wrapped his arms around him to hold him tight. “Don't worry, she will be fine.”

Renjun nestled up to Jaemin, staying in this position for a bit until he broke the silence yet another time to ask him what the hell Soojin was talking about in the beginning.

Jaemin had some explaining to do.

  
  


***

  
  


The past two weeks were not only the most stressful but also the most amazing time, Renjun had had in a whole long while. The reason was that he had finally found a way to balance everything out.

He was spending a lot of time, probably a lot more than necessary, rehearsing with Jaemin. They didn't just practice when they got to be with their teacher or were allowed in the theatre hall. Even when they were just hanging out, cuddling on their beds or going to the park together, they sang the song. Originally, it wasn't with the intention to practice, but more just because it was a beautiful song and singing about falling in love when they were currently in the middle of doing so, was  _ fun _ .

By now, everyone, even those who were weird about them dating at first, came to terms with it. Renjun was also getting more and more comfortable with showing affection in front of others. It's not that he was a robot and never kissed his girlfriend in front of others back in the days, but kissing Jaemin was so different.

Maybe because he was a boy? Maybe because he liked him much more than Eunha?

One night when Jaemin came over to have dinner with him and his family, he kissed him good night in front of his parents. Renjun hadn't been this flustered in a while.

He recalled how he looked over to his parents, absolutely terrified to see their reaction, but they didn't even seem to have noticed. Since then, he found it a lot easier to let loose in front of others because he realized that no-one really cared, it was him who was freaking out all the time.

The couple proceeded with their kisses and cuddles, though, much to the expense of Chenle.

Now that the two were spending so much time together, and Renjun didn't want to neglect his friend, they were often hanging out in a group of three... or four.

Yes, Chenle also dropped a bombshell when he came to school one day, holding onto Jisung's hand tightly, declaring that they were now dating.

Renjun wasn't shocked, he already knew. Both Chenle and Jisung came over to his house the night before to get some advice and build up their courage. He didn't know if it had really helped them, but when they walked up to him the next morning, he couldn't help but feel proud in a way. Proud of himself and Chenle.

Everything was going exceptionally great for them.

The only worry taking up Renjun's brain was the hospitality of Jaemin's parents. The short boy had slept over his boyfriend's house every single night the past week, therefore he had been having breakfast and dinner with them every day. They kept assuring him that they really didn't mind, but he was still concerned that he was accidentally forcing himself onto them.

That's why he successfully convinced his boyfriend to sleep at his house tonight, to switch it up a bit. Sleeping alone at their own houses, separated from one another, wasn't an option.

He thought it might be a freshly-in-love thing.

Renjun's bed, on which they were currently lying down, was a lot bigger than Jaemin's, and so there was a lot more space between them than they were used to.

“ I like your bed better,” Renjun mumbled as he scooched over to snuggle into his boyfriend's side, his head laying comfortably on his chest. He watched him scrolling through Netflix on his phone, looking for something they could watch.

“ But your bed is bigger and softer,” Jaemin replied.

“ That might be true, but the smaller the bed the more... comfortable. Besides, who needs a soft mattress when they have a boyfriend to sleep on.”

Jaemin chuckled, then put away his phone after not finding anything after half an hour of searching. “I'll gladly be your personal mattress.”

For a few minutes, they didn't say anything and just enjoyed each other's presence. The quiet made Renjun realize how tired he really was.

“ I'm scared because of the showcase tomorrow,” Jaemin admitted with a low voice, probably to not ruin the calm mood. Or perhaps he thought Renjun already fell asleep.

The older boy raised his head up to look at Jaemin, who returned his gaze immediately. “Why are  _ you _ nervous? Wasn't it  _ me _ who always got stage fright?”

“ Maybe it's not actually nervousness but more like a kind of anticipation?”

Renjun giggled, putting his head down on Jaemin's chest again and wrapping an arm around his stomach. “I don't know your emotional state.”

“ You don't need to, as long as you know my feelings for you.”

Renjun, who was too tired to straighten up again, carefully stroked Jaemin's stomach, being as gentle as possible because he knew how ticklish his boyfriend was.

He could feel the boy under him smiling, he could sense it.

“ You know how important you are to me, right?” Renjun's voice was nothing but a whisper, his eyes already shut.

“ Yes, and I couldn't be more grateful.”

  
  


***

  
  


The biggest difference between a showcase at their school and an actual performance you'd get paid for was that the time you had before the showcase was a lot less stressful, almost calm in a way. When you're just a performer at least.

Jaemin didn't know if that had anything to do with the fact that they were a lot fewer people in total, standing around backstage and doing last-minute rehearsals, or maybe because the audience was just a fraction of the number of people that would normally fit into the theater hall.

Maybe their audience was more important, but for Jaemin, it made no difference.

You never knew for sure if those talent scouts were going to offer you a job, or were even interested in you. For him personally, it wasn't that big of a deal. He wasn't planning on pursuing singing or dancing as a career anyways.

For Renjun on the other hand, it was a lot more serious than that. They never really spoke about it out loud, but Jaemin knew him too well. He knew how important it was for him to make his parents proud and not disappoint them.

To get casted was a huge deal if you want to go into show business after high school, which was the case for most of the students at their school. And Renjun's parents knew that too.

If Jaemin wasn't one hundred percent sure that Renjun's passion for singing was just as big as his love for the smaller boy, he would've been worried, but it was clear to him and everyone else that there was nothing else Renjun wanted more than to turn his hobby into his profession.

All that Jaemin himself wanted, was to help the other boy with every step of the way to make his dream come true. He wasn't that career orientated and didn't really care if he had a special or well-payed job, as long as his favorite person was happy.

Before driving to school, they had picked up Jisung at Chenle's house because he didn't have a car yet and they had the same route anyway. Jaemin bit into his hand to suppress the giggle that was daring to come over his lips when Chenle kissed his boyfriend goodbye, who then got in the car with a head as red as a tomato.

During their drive, Renjun and he had tried to give the younger some advice to calm him down, but you could read the nervousness in his eyes.

Kim Yerim, the only girl who got to perform, was already waiting backstage with a friend of hers until a teacher came by and made her leave. Before and during a showcase, only those who got to perform were allowed to reside in the backstage area, which is why Renjun had always been so glad that they got to do duets together so that he wouldn't be left alone with his stage fright.

They decided to warm up their voices whilst waiting to be called to go on stage, but Jaemin noticed that someone was missing.

“ Didn't Haechan get a solo too?” he asked Renjun, who was currently bending down to tie his shoelaces one last time, a nervous habit born out of his anxiety right before performances.

“ Yes, he did. Is he not here yet?”

Jaemin shook his head as he looked around to find his other friend. He hadn't seen him in a short while, he realized, triggering a feeling of guilt in his chest. “I'll go and look for him.”

“ Okay, but make sure you're back in time.”

  
  


Haechan couldn't have gotten lost, he'd been here too many times for that to happen. But still, Jaemin checked every single isolated room and hidden corner, until his eyes finally laid upon something.

And that something made him freeze and go back as quietly as possible.

He was experiencing a dejavu, from the other side this time.

Haechan knew there were no friends allowed backstage, so he and Mark had to find an abandoned place. That, and so that no-one was going to walk in on them making out. Except for Jaemin, of course.

Now he knew why Soojin felt the need to apologize for seeing them together, it really made one feel guilty for barging in on someone else having an intimate moment, but he couldn't do anything about it now.

He used the time it took him to walk back to the others to reflect on what he had just witnessed. Now that he thought about it, they had been really obvious. When Jaemin met Mark for the first time on his first day back, he didn't think twice about what the way they looked at each other, or their close proximity meant.

Why had he never brought it up?

Anyways, he was truly glad for him. Haechan was such a lovely boy, at least during those times when he wasn't trying to be the biggest pain in the ass. Either way, he deserved to be happy, and Mark seemed to be doing just that. So, why not?

Renjun threw him a confused gaze when he saw his boyfriend coming back with a big grin on his face. “Why are you smiling like that? Did you find him?”

Jaemin silently nodded, without dropping the smile. “I'll tell you later.”

His boyfriend, being the noisy little cutie he was, made it obvious that he wanted to know right now, but before he could try one of his persuasion tactics, Mr.Choi appeared and let them know they were going to start in less than five minutes, Renjun and Jaemin being the first ones to perform.

Jaemin wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, putting his head on his shoulder.

“ Let's get this over with.”

  
  


***

  
  


Renjun couldn't be happier.

Well, maybe if Jaemin didn't snatch the last piece of pizza from right under his nose, but he quickly forgave the younger after he had let him have his chocolate milk as compensation.

Renjun, blissfully sipping on his milk, was sitting with his back leaning against Jaemin's chest, who had his own back propped up against the stem of a thick tree. After Renjun had claimed that there were hundreds of ants crawling around on the trunk, Jaemin had provided himself as a wall to protect him from little insects nestling into his clothes.

It was a lot more comfortable anyway, and feeling his boyfriend's heartbeat on his back was something that always had a calming effect on him. That, and the bright sunshine, the deep-green grass under their red patterned picnic blanket they spread out before sitting down... it was just a beautiful day.

Renjun leaned back a little further to peek into Jaemin's phone, on which the other boy was currently checking his social media. Right now, it was Instagram.

“ Let's take a selfie,” Jaemin said all of a sudden and opened the camera function of his Instagram-story. Although Renjun wasn't the biggest fan of taking selfies, he had to admit that he had already thought about it himself, even if it was only to capture the bright and pretty colors of their surroundings, paired with Jaemin's pink shirt and denim jacket.

It was Renjun's favorite jacket because on one of their first dates when they were walking around the park with ice cream in their hands, and they both ended up freezing their butts off, Jaemin had insisted on giving the smaller boy his denim jacket. After low key arguing for almost five minutes, he finally gave in and put on the already baggy piece of clothing, that looked ridiculously big on him, but Jaemin thought it was the cutest thing he had ever seen.

Of course, Renjun smacked him with the sleeves that were about ten centimeters too long.

Sitting in the colorful park on such a warm day felt like spring, despite it being almost fall. In general, he didn't know if those feelings were thanks to the weather because being with Jaemin always felt like spring to him.

Renjun put on a content face, his go-to selfie pose, but this time he was also closing his eyes for a better effect. He was waiting for the click sound of the camera, but nothing happened. As he was about to open his eyes again, he felt a hand on his chin, gently pushing his head to the side and not even two seconds later, there was a pair of lips, softly pushing against his own.

He didn't move and simply enjoyed the, by now, familiar feeling of the younger boys mouth on his, but when the thought of them being in a such a public place returned to his mind, he slowly pulled away, making sure to keep his face as close as possible without actually kissing him.

“ What are you doing?” he breathed, already knowing the answer. He turned to the phone, Jaemin was still holding in front of them. However now, the screen wasn't mirroring their motions, instead, it showed a picture of them kissing. Renjun had to admit it looked really cute.

“ You know I've always wanted to have a photo of us kissing. It's sweet, right?”

Renjun gave him a brief look, then nodded with a smirk on his face. He watched Jaemin set the photo as his lockscreen, before continuing to scroll through Instagram.

He didn't really pay attention to it, but when they came across a picture of a couple, he whipped the phone out of Jaemin's hand, sitting up straight. “Isn't that...”

Jaemin giggled as he followed his boyfriend and sat up. “Yes, it's Soojin with her  _ girlfriend _ .”

Renjun was beaming, seeing the obviously very happy pair of girls. “I'm so glad everything turned out well for her,” he said genuinely meaning it and giving back the phone. Jaemin took it back without looking away from Renjun's face.

“ What?”

Jaemin sighed happily. “I'm glad everything turned out well for us too.”

Renjun knew that his own smile was causing Jaemin's smirk to widen, which was a great feeling. For a brief moment, there were just looking into each other's eyes, making them feel safe and comfortable.

Until Jaemin booted up all of a sudden and picking up his phone in which he hectically entered his code, making Renjun jump. “I forgot, I have to show you something!” he declared loudly.

Jaemin tapped on a photo, showing yet another couple. “This is Haechan and Mark. I'm not really surprised seeing as I literally saw them licking each other's faces...” he uttered, making Renjun giggle.

“ It's really true then. We really  _ did _ open the gates to the gay world.”

Jaemin agreed and leaned back against the trunk again, pulling the other boy with him. He had put down his phone so that now, his hands were free and he could wrap them around Renjun, tightly.

They stayed like this for a bit, without saying a word. The only thing they could hear was the faint screaming of children in the distance and the chirping of the birds in the crown of the tree they were sitting under.

Renjun was about to doze off when Jaemin spoke up again. He felt the vibration of him speaking on his back first, before even hearing him.

“ I'm sorry.”

“ Why are you sorry?” Renjun asked in a whisper.

“ We both know the only reason why the talent scouts didn't want us both was because I messed up that one stupid line.”

Renjun placed his hand on Jaemin's, that was still resting on his stomach. “It's okay Jaemin.”

They were quiet, but Renjun wasn't done talking yet. “You know, if I got a job, I'd be spending most of my time practicing and rehearsing whilst panicking about unnecessary things right now.” He picked up Jaemin's hand to lead it to his mouth and place a kiss on it. “At least now I can enjoy the last hot days of the year with the best boyfriend in the world, who just so happens to be mine and who I love very much.”

He felt Jaemin's hot breath on the part of his neck that wasn't covered by the collar of his jacket, as he inched closer and laughed.

“ I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I will be uploading a new chapter every Tuesday! (all are around 3k/4k)
> 
> I hope you're liking it so far, and I'm always open for constructive criticism <3


End file.
